KEY POINTS:
New Zealand authorities have announced the resolution to the ongoing saga of where to locate the new stadium for the World Cup rugby final in 2011.
After much research, public debate and copious cups of tea, the Government announced that the new stadium will be a floating one, to be constructed and moored in the Waitemata Harbour adjoining the previously touted Ports of Auckland site.
Mayor Dick Hubbard described the new site as a "great compromise" which will satisfy both opponents, and proponents of the previous site.
"It was my idea" Hubbard admitted when pressed. "It came to me in a eureka moment while I was taking a bath."
Hubbard noticed that by cunningly carving a cake of soap into a mini-stadium, the bowl-like shape "floated like a wee boat".
"It's obvious really" Hubbard continues. "The advantage here of course is that we can use the old Kestrel to tow the new stadium up the harbour between games and ensure that the great view of the containers and docks is not permanently blighted for the folk of this great city.
"We also don't have to buy any land and put down foundations, a saving of $259 million."
There are downsides to the floating stadium of course. Critics point out that the original "soap" model (being used as final template for the stadium to save costs) does bear a resemblance to a "floating bed pan".
Hubbard typically has an answer for this. "We do like to crap all over the Poms so it's rather appropriate isn't it?" he chuckled.
But could bad weather make that the pitch unstable?
"It would be the same for both teams, they'll be on a level playing field, so where's the problem?" an NZRFU spokesman answered, obviously not wanting to rock the boat.
Hubbard also feels that the stadium can be more than just a rugby venue.
"For instance it could be used as a harbour ferry. Whenever a large party of people, in fact up to 60,000 in number, want to visit Waiheke Island or Devonport, they could book the stadium to transport them. The bars could do a roaring trade and small children could play on the pitch while their parents in the stands kept an eye on them".
Hubbard also noted that the stadium could be on the move while a game was in progress. For instance he feels that one could "board the stadium in downtown Auckland, disembark at halftime in Devonport to enjoy a wine or two, and then at the conclusion of the game end up in Half Moon Bay for a great night on the town in East Auckland".
The final benefit that sealed the deal was the notion that if the New Zealand economy takes a turn for the worse after the Rugby World Cup, the stadium could be packed with unemployed Kiwis and English overstayers and floated over to Sydney.
On arrival these refugees could obtain work, or a least a decent dole cheque, and then the stadium could be on-sold to the Australians for their World Cup soccer bid.
Mayor Dick has the final word. "It would be great moment wouldn't it? To send the Australians a full bedpan to take care of."
