Race: The way ahead: Family stronger than political campaigns

Maori and Pakeha are getting on perfectly well - and understanding their different views - in New Zealand's families, writes DIANA McCURDY.


A family is relaxing near the shade of a large toetoe. It's midday, and Zoe Millar is taking a break from work to have lunch with her husband Paul and son Kobe.

For a moment, they present an image of familial bliss. Their restless young son, however, has other ideas. He struggles free from his parents' arms and toddles unsteadily away through the thick grass.

"Come, give your dad a hongi," Zoe calls, trying to entice him back.

Kobe turns momentarily, crinkles his face in a mischievous grin, then continues on his unsteady path. His parents' eyes catch inadvertently. In a split second, exasperation turns to laughter.

Zoe Millar is Pakeha. Her husband Paul is Maori. For them, the racial debates that fill the news are a distant world. They're too busy working, studying and raising their child to pay much heed to the vitriol spat across the floor at Parliament, or at Orewa or Waitangi.

Indeed, Paul seems somewhat bemused when asked whether their different backgrounds have ever caused friction.

"There are a lot of inter-racial marriages," he says. "I heard there's no full-blooded Maori now."

Whether or not the latter is true, Paul is correct in his initial observation. Economist and social researcher Paul Callister recently undertook the first study in 30 years of intermarriage in New Zealand, and found that half of Maori who are part of a couple have a non-Maori partner.

Rates are lower among those who say they are solely Maori (one-third have a non-Maori partner) and higher among those who claim another ethnicity alongside Maori (two-thirds).

When Zoe and Paul met on a Wanganui touch rugby field at 18, they came from very different backgrounds.

Paul is Te Ati-Haunui-a-Paparangi and describes his upbringing as "very Maori". His mother is one of 10 children and he and his siblings grew up surrounded by a large whanau."We were brought up knowing all the protocol on the marae, and quite a few times we were up the [Whanganui] river."

Zoe, on the other hand, describes her upbringing as "typical Pakeha New Zealander". Though her mother is from a family of six children, "when you're Pakeha you tend to make it on your own".

Ten years on, their worlds are intertwined. Now living in Auckland, they are married and have a 20-month-old son, Kobe Rei Ngatoa Millar. Even their traditional Western gold wedding bands are inscribed with a Maori koru motif designed by Paul and his aunt.

At home, Zoe and Paul speak English and te reo. Neither of them speak fluent Maori, but they hope their son will grow up bilingual and, ideally, attend a bilingual school. "I always wanted our kids to go to total immersion," Zoe says. "But one of Paul's nieces, her mum feels her English is suffering ... "

Zoe and Paul's different backgrounds are a source of pride. At times they have differences of opinion - Don Brash was the most recent source of this - but Zoe says once they've listened to each other they usually come around to the same point of view. If not, they simply agree to disagree.

Zoe had Maori friends and was familiar with marae protocol and Maori culture long before she met Paul. "Even when I was growing up, I identified with Maori culture, because what have I got? It's almost as if I needed to identify with that as well."

Their families have welcomed their union without reservation. "It was never an issue," Zoe says. "One of the first times I was at his house, his mum kept me up till four in the morning showing me photographs."

Another Auckland woman who contacted the Weekend Herald tells a similar tale. She is Pakeha (descended from Sir George Grey), her husband is Maori (his ancestors signed the treaty).

"Our children are equally proud of their Maori, Danish and English heritage. They are being raised to be comfortable on either the Marae or in university, both relevant places of learning in this country.

"It is through our children that their Maori grandparents have gained a greater understanding of the Pakeha world view and likewise their Pakeha grandparents have gained a greater understanding of the differences between Maori and Pakeha and found that it is nothing to be scared of."

The Millars recently returned from living in England, where Zoe had a chance to explore her own cultural heritage. She is now determined that, for their son's sake, she will learn more about her history and what it means to be Pakeha in New Zealand.

Overseas travel has opened their eyes to a new perspective on race relations in New Zealand. "For me, travelling has just been the best thing" Zoe says. "When you are overseas, Maori and Pakeha are all New Zealanders and there's this amazing bond. But then, when you come back here, it's negative ...

"We are all proud of the Maori culture and everything that's New Zealand, because we are blessed to have this wonderful country. It's really sad to see this separation."

Zoe pauses for a moment, and looks at her husband and son. "But is it true separation?" she wonders. "Or is it just what the media portrays?"