Noelle McCarthy: A masterful, riveting public apology

Dear Noelle,

You don't know me, but I have a problem. I'm an American guy, from Indiana originally. I work in TV. I host my own talk show, actually. It does pretty well.

I'm happily married (well, I was ... ). I've won a lot of awards over the years, and my show rates through the roof. I'm funny and witty and charismatic. People love me. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I'm kind of a big deal.

Anyway, that's not my problem. My problem is that a few weeks ago I was busted for having affairs with several of the interns who've worked on my show. One of the girl's exes found out about me and her (and the rest), and tried to blackmail me, and the whole thing blew up and went public.

I've gone on-air and apologised - made quite a good fist of that actually - and I'm riding out the storm as best I can, but I can't shake the feeling that I've messed things up and let a lot of people down. I feel like a bit of a heel, to be honest, and I'd appreciate any advice on how to sort it out.

Yours sincerely,

Dave

Hello Dave.

Thanks for your letter - always good to hear from Herald readers overseas. I have a fair idea of who you are actually, and I am a fan, just quietly, but we don't have to dwell too much on your celebrity here, only inasmuch as it's pertinent to your problem.

I did catch your apology on TV though, and I want to congratulate you on that. It was masterful sir, just masterful!

Nothing beats a public mea culpa, and yours was definitely up there with the best of them. I don't know how you did it, getting out there in front of millions of people and detailing your deepest, darkest transgressions - admitting you had affairs with not just one, but several of the young women who worked on your show over the years.

But you did. You sat there and you told the whole shameful story, and you even had the grace to look ashamed. If I may be so bold, you pitched it just right. It was a perfect blend of humour and humility that had the audience hanging on your every word and eating out of your hand, even when you got to the tricky bit, where you admitted that basically, you're a bad old rooter and you got caught.

That must have been very hard for you, but I suppose you had the consolation of knowing that in spilling the beans, you were at least handing your ham-fisted blackmailer his ass - and sending ratings through the roof while you were at it.

The applause at the end must have been lovely as well. A balm, even. Especially when you work for it night after night, as you do.

So, well done on the apology Dave. I loved it, we all did. Would have been great to get it on the same night as our Prime Minister's Top Ten, if only for a John Key reaction shot, but you can't have everything. You're still feeling bad though, and that's why you're writing.

So, what advice do I have for you? Well, I've never been a talk-show host, or a millionaire producer with a big staff, but I have been an intern, and I know it is the lot of interns to be hit on by charismatic old dudes like you. Comes with the territory.

So, as to the girls involved, well, I wouldn't feel too bad about them. Sure you were their employer, and you had a duty of care towards them, but I'm sure you were very good about everything, and everyone came out better off. TV is a cutthroat industry, and you do what you can to get ahead, right?

They probably felt a little bit awkward when you parlayed your sexual relationships with them into a 10-minute on-air monologue but hey, at least you didn't deny it like Clinton. I imagine things are a little weird around the office presently, so you'll have to do what you can to smooth that out. May I suggest locking up the on-site boudoir in the Ed Sullivan Theatre for a start? Certainly, it's an awkward reminder of an era you probably want to forget.

I think I read somewhere that you're married. Well, that's certainly going to be tough. At least you've still got the audience though - well, the men anyway. There were probably a few ladies in the studio that night you apologised who thought, however fleetingly, of the women you were selling out with your mea culpa, and wondered how they might feel to be played for laughs by Letterman, to become a punchline in the ongoing on-air comedy of Dave.

They probably won't be as keen to switch over to the Late Show again. But forget about them, there's enough people out there who still think you're great Dave.

I used to have this friend, who whenever I had a problem to solve, would say to me, "Do you want to win, or do you want to feel good?" Well, I think you won Dave, but I don't think you can feel good.

See you on the telly,

Noelle