Mike Moore: Thanks for absurdities of NZ life

Mike Moore. Photo / Supplied

Opinion

I've had great sport in recent years writing the odd column, indulging myself by teasing the powerful, occasionally slapping them on the back and frequently flicking their ears. And drawing attention to the absurdities of life and politics. The time is fast approaching when such writings will be inappropriate, as in August I become New Zealand's Ambassador to the US.

This holds no fears for me, although I'm always embarrassed that in the US they call you by your highest domestic rank; Mr Prime Minister.

I was NZ's shortest serving PM in 100 years. I normally don't try to explain and say: "I was young, you do silly things, it's not something I'm proud of."

It's a melancholy fact that the best thing I have ever done for New Zealand was leave it by going to the WTO where, against the odds, we launched a new trade round and got China into this rules-based system.

Experts said that could not be done. I have the same level of confidence for the Trans Pacific Trade Partnership which I will promote in the US. I'm grateful to the Government for the opportunity to serve again and give this project the big nudge.

In the words of that great statesman, John Wayne, it's time to saddle up and ride into the sunset, do the job and take stock. With a shock, I recently realised I am a contrarian, that the absurdities of life and the vanities, vagaries and vulgarity of politics have always amused me, as they should you.

I mourn the passing of political humour, the lack of irony, the boring disconnected 'yes' men and women whose names you don't know, who inhabit our parliamentary lists.

They don't have to please you and only have to appease and please the party bosses to stay high in the lists and thus in Parliament. They are unaccountable party squatters, the best of whom know this, so are falling over each other to get real electorate seats.

The recent behaviour of politicians who, with an ignoble sense of entitlement, confused the taxpayer's money and their own, had the public reaching for a sick bag.

One excused his extravagance by saying he and his partner were small eaters or he was a hard worker, or they were celebrating someone becoming a grandmother so French champagne was in order, claiming drinking French champagne was promoting NZ.

Cleaners work hard but if one became a grandmother, are they entitled to raid the boss's booze cabinet or charter a helicopter to go to a resort for a massage?

The shock on the faces of several when the media questioned them was instructive - with flushed faces like a slapped bum they made things worse. The public felt like grabbing them by their expensive suit lapels and giving them a good head butt.

There was much humour in watching the media whip itself into a frenzy of self-righteous indignation, barking like a chorus of vuvuzelas at a football match.

Some stretched the bow to compare these sordid acts of self-indulgence to the scandals in the Britain where some MPs actually committed fraud. They claimed for homes that did not exist, even used office expenses to purchase fertiliser for their farms.

There has to be a joke in there somewhere. No one has suggested that the meals and massages didn't actually happen with our politicians.

Some of the criticism was very unfair. Ministers have to host important visitors.

Some stories crudely suggested other things, like a minister lost his bags; again! Hint, hint. Or the PM's credit card was "allegedly" stolen and used to buy party pills ... come on.

Here's something you haven't heard before. Most of our MPs are motivated by the best instincts, work hard, are tolerant, good humoured, pretentious, pompous, honest and want the best for this country.

It takes guts to stand up and take the hits, say no to the people you love. It's destructive of family and personal life. Few politicians have much money. I left Parliament after 25 years with a modest overdraft and a home worth less than $200,000.

We are all adults, we know the deal and most love the life and know they will never get a more interesting and rewarding job.

MPs are going to love this paragraph.

Perhaps on my return I should do a series on some of our media personalities - how much they earn (many are paid more to ask questions than you get to answer them), their arrogance, vanity and self-importance. How some moralisers smashed up rooms on ministerial travel, the commercial conflict of interest many have. And the lack of accountability their job entails.

Only kidding. They are not elected, they have no public duty. So I won't.

It's an age of humiliation for the powerful and unaccountable, from BP, the Vatican, GM, banks, to anyone in power.

Those locked out, their faces pressed against the window, are outraged at the perception that the powerful escape their responsibilities and don't pay their fair share.

This is understandable and in part true. Watch this space for more train wrecks. The public demand and deserve better.

Thank you New Zealand for all the opportunities to serve. You shouldn't hear from me for a few years. If an Ambassador is in the news, he is probably doing something wrong.

Mike Moore is a former Prime Minister of New Zealand, and former Director General of the World Trade Organisation.