KEY POINTS:
Last week a reader asked if I was man enough to put on a white ribbon.
He argued that what I wrote in my column two weeks ago, headlined "Spare the rod, expect trouble in return" promoted family violence and challenged me to be man enough to put on a white ribbon later this month to show where I stand on domestic violence.
This reader missed the point where I wrote in the same article that I am totally against all forms of abuse, be they physical or psychological.
My support for parents' rights to discipline their children should not be confused with advocating or even condoning domestic violence.
The White Ribbon Campaign is an annual drive to stop violence against women, and is marked on November 25, the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women.
What makes this campaign different is that it is organised by men, and focuses on the positive roles they can play in helping to stop violence against women.
Over my years working as a journalist, I have spoken with and written about many women who are victims of abuse and domestic violence.
A few months ago, a woman from Kazakhstan described to me quite graphically how her husband slapped her until her jaw and lips bled.
He hit her because she had found a job, something he had failed to do after months of trying since their move to New Zealand.
But the interview that evoked a lot of emotion for me was with a Chinese woman in Christchurch last year.
She not only faced frequent beatings and verbal abuse from her New Zealand husband but he forced her to have sex with his friends.
New Zealand has a shocking level of violence against women and a poor record of having laws able to protect them.
Families Commission chief executive Rajen Prasad said in an interview on Newstalk ZB that a third of New Zealand men abuse their partners and wives, while Principal Family Court Judge Peter Boshier said earlier this year that domestic violence here presents a disturbing picture.
Over a seven-week period last summer, six women were killed by their partners or ex-partners leaving 19 children orphaned, he said.
The same period also saw police attending to 11,000 family violence incidents.
A report in the Weekend Herald in July showed domestic protection orders did little to help protect victims.
It found that between January of last year and April this year, 4004 orders were granted and nearly 2000 people were charged with breaching them.
The number of reported cases to the police is also on the rise.
Between 2004-2005, there were 30,692 cases, up from 24,700 in 2002-2003.
These figures could mean two things: either domestic violence is on the rise - which is bad news, or that more people are coming forward to press charges.
The first scenario is deplorable, but if it is the second, than it's a reason to cheer.
Many migrant victims have problems communicating in English, and because of this they are often apprehensive and reluctant to reach out for help from strangers in a foreign land.
Auckland Central Police Asian Liaison Officer Jessica Phuang said migrant women were afraid to make police reports because they feared that their husbands, who are usually the only family members they have here, would be arrested.
Both victims I referred to in this column did not make police reports.
So if we go by the common belief that domestic violence is often under-reported (more so among the immigrant communities), then the real figures of domestic violence in New Zealand must be horrific.
During a visit to Taiwan last month, I visited the Garden of Hope Foundation probably Taipei's equivalent to our Women's Refuge.
Its Australian director, Robyn Taylor told me that one of the biggest challenges the foundation faced in the area of domestic violence was telling victims that it is wrong and unacceptable.
She said that it was the belief of some Asian women that it was culturally acceptable for their husbands to beat them.
Family violence is seen as a private affair in many Asian families and the husband, who is regarded as head of the household, has the right to dominate, chastise and have his way with all members of the family, including his wife.
Some laws in Asia also seem to reflect this view.
Even in my native Singapore, where the arm of the law comes down hard on people who trade in chewing gum, it is pretty relaxed on men who force their wives to have sex against their will.
Marriage there gives a man the license to have sex on demand with his wife, and Singapore has a section in its penal code which stipulates that sexual intercourse by a man with his own wife, the wife not being under 13-years-old, is not rape.
Many immigrant women bring their cultural baggage with them to New Zealand and hold what is acceptable in their country of origin as a frame of reference.
Sadly, some end up as silent victims of domestic violence.
Underneath New Zealand's reputation as a land of beautiful landscapes and friendly people, its record of violence inflicted on women and children is a disconcerting one.
I view men who abuse women and children with total contempt and disgust.
Domestic violence is wrong, period. Nothing and no circumstance will ever make it right.
More needs to be done to bring this message across strongly and effectively - especially to the immigrant communities.
I will be happy to play my part in spreading the word.
I do not need a challenge to wear a white ribbon. Come November 25, I will be wearing one, just as I did last year.
