Jon Gadsby: Time for law to flex its mussel

I have had a bad week. To begin with, I missed out on jury service, then I received a snotty letter from the IRD. The two were in no way related, I hasten to assure nervous potential jurors. I then attended a funeral, again unconnected to the aforementioned events.

The upshot was that I ended up, with some relief, in lovely Akaroa. (Yes, Akaroa, I know it well - famous harbour and possible future venue for yachting's glittering prize. Zephyred reach of limpid cobalt as it is, turquoise as the Prime Minister's eyes, sapphire stretch of ... Thank you, Peter. Now go away!)

To continue, I arrived in Akaroa thinking the week had taken an upward turn at last, only to find that a crime wave of major proportions is sweeping the South of New Zealand. (Caressed by tranquil breezes as it is ... Shove off, Peter! ... Okay, fair enough.)

The following outrage leapt out at me from the normally soothing pages of the local newspaper. The Akaroa Mail, for some reason, bears the provocative legend on the cover: "Please take me." Bravely, I thought, given the times we live in. But taking the invitation at its word, I did as invited and found the following letter, which I abridge somewhat:

"Sir, On the 23rd February last, the Akaroa Harbour Recreational Fishing Club, in conjunction with a group organising testing of water quality in various harbour locations ... suspended a wire basket of mussels from a rope beneath the Wainui wharf. By the 10th of March the rope, the basket, and the mussels were gone.

"It would be appreciated if those responsible for removing same would replace the rope and basket so that water testing of mussels can continue. It is presumed that the mussels are beyond return. Thank you."

I was amazed, outraged and enormously heartened all at once, hailing from a city where triple locks and double car alarms are the norm, rather than the exception, and that's just to maintain insurance cover.

Where the security business and debt enforcement are the fastest-growing industries next to pokies and dot.coms. Where it's generally accepted as madness or deviancy to walk unaccompanied through a public space after the hours of darkness, I detected a beam of sunlight.

And that the source of this should be seafood? Try finding a mussel within accessible cooee of the twin harbours, let alone a basket full of them. The very barnacles have been chiselled off the rocks around our way. We can't leave the rubbish out without it disappearing.

And so it struck me like a wonderful bolt from the blue that there are still people in this fair land who firmly, and in wide-eyed trust, expect to leave a basket of fat and juicy mussels suspended beneath a wharf and find it still present and virgo intacta, in bivalvean terms, 15 long days later?

We should all be moving to Akaroa. That a letter appeared in the paper on this outrage speaks legions about a quality of life most of us have forgotten.

The solution for a better society is surely within our grasp. The Government must begin listening to the talk-backs and reading the public opinion columns, especially those in the Akaroa Mail (Please take me).

The answer must be to bring back the death penalty. In fact I shall go further. Let the worthless condemned be suspended for 15 days beneath the Wainui wharf, scene of such heinous crime, to serve as a lesson to us all.

Yes, bring back the rope, bring back the birch, bring back the cane, and while we're at it, would the bastard who took it please bring back the basket of mussels.

* Jon Gadsby, on behalf of Bob Meikle, President, Akaroa Harbour Recreational Fishing Club (Inc).