Jim Hopkins: Zone cheaters on a slippery slope to Cabinet benches

Shock crime drama: Zone cheats evicted - News item

Damn good show, what? That should give the lie to those wittering nincompoops who say we're soft on crime! Ha! Balderdash!!! Tosh!!! Piffle!!! Hogwarts!!!

"Shouldn't that be Hogwash?" - A Bystander

Yes, of course! Them too - if there's any zone cheating. Great Scott, we can't have this sort of malarkey! Not zone cheating!! Good heavens, no!! We must nip it out!!!! Stamp it in the bud!! Cold showers for the lot of 'em!!!! And flaggings!!!

"Don't you mean floggings?" - Another Bystander

Absolutely!!! Just as soon as we've run 'em up the yardarm and left 'em dangling a while!!

It's a slippery slope, y'see! The beginning of a very sticky end. Oh, yes! Today's zone cheater - tomorrow's Cabinet Minister!!! That's the sort of rottenness it can lead to. Mark my words, it won't be long before these artful little dodgers are up to all manner of mischief - employing illegal immigrants, getting their mates to sneak 'em into the country - never mind the zone!!! And then where will we be? Outraged, that's where!!! Chaps who indulge in that kind of hanky panky need a damned good ... err ... counselling!!

"And possibly home detention?" - A Third Bystander

No, it's House Detention for the politicians. They get to stay there whatever they've done.

But we can't allow that with these zone cheaters. They're bounders! Rotters!! Ratbags!!! They should be dagged, crutched and run out of town! Topless if necessary! Let the whole world see their frightful boo-boos!!!!!!

Look, it's perfectly fine for our glorious leaders to decide what's best for them when it comes to paying their election expenses. Which generally involves either not doing so - or passing a law making everyone else foot the bill.

But we can't have parents deciding what's best for their children! That's a recipe for disaster. Anarchy!! Chaos!!! You may as well make contempt for authority compulsory!!!!!

Indeed so, although - putting the Galloping Major aside for a moment - this week's Auckland Grammar expulsion schemozzle does leave a few issues unaddressed.

We all know Zoning's vital. Essential. Utterly indispensable. The Real Estate industry wouldn't survive without it.

But, if you were to pick up a pen and jot down, say, three things that are absolute necessities of life, it would be interesting to see what emerged.

Let's see, food would be there. Number one, probably. We'd starve without it. And shelter. Clothing. Or warmth. Maybe medicine - provided it's cheap.

What you would not find on that list is formal education. Valuable as it is, it isn't one of life's absolute necessities.

Food, yes! Schools, no. Which raises the obvious question. If Zoning is so vital, essential and indispensable, why hasn't the gummint zoned supermarkets? And why didn't they do it before they zoned schools?

The same arguments apply. Uniformity of standards. Ease of access. You can hear the MPs now! "Local shops for local people!!!" What a splendid campaign promise! "No one should be forced to travel for the necessities of life!!!"

Of course not! You've got our vote, guvnor!!!

We must assume that plans are afoot and that the great ones are drafting legislation to correct this terrible anomaly as we speak. It'll probably be passed as soon as they've dealt with the relatively minor matter of compelling taxpayers to finance their next election campaign.

In the meantime, while we're waiting for the vitally essential Supermarket Zoning and Shelter Area Allocation Act 2006 to become law, the good folk at Auckland Grammar (and other schools with similar problems) may be comforted to learn they are not alone.

Prisons have got exactly the same predicament. They're overcrowded as well! No matter where their pupils have come from - in or out of Zone - there's too many of them!

That should cheer the schools up no end, you'd imagine. Especially since it isn't mere speculation. No, it's fact. Sir Geoffrey Palmer said so on Tuesday and he should know because he used to be ... um ... Sir Geoffrey Palmer.

Our prisons are overcrowded, he said. And they don't work! Home detention's much better. Only 13 per cent of those on Home Detention reoffend, 13 per cent!!! But for those in prison, it's 40 per cent. Shocking!!! Outrageous!!! Disgraceful!!! And, worse still, expensive!!!

Well, we know what crepuscular old geezers like the Galloping Major would say about that. They'd say the comparison's bogus. They'd say Home Detention's still in its infancy and used very selectively. They'd say the numbers are much lower and the offences not comparable.

Given that prison is a last (and worst) resort when dealing with antisocial behaviour, they'd say the fact that 60 per cent of Her Majesty's guests don't revisit her facilities is a b@ %&*y miracle!!!!

And they'd be wrong. They'd have to be. Sir Geoffrey says so and he should know.

You don't get to be a Sir Anybody, let alone a Geoffrey, without knowing the difference between sense and nonsense.

So our prisons are overcrowded and that's that.

Shame on all those trainee sophists who insist the only thing that matters is not how many prison inmates there are but rather that everyone who should be a prison inmate actually is! Those people should bite their tongue,

Or suggest something sensible like sentencing prisoners to Auckland Grammar. Imagine that! Fewer inmates! Less enrolments! Brilliant!! Best of all, it would preserve the integrity of Zoning which, as we all know, is absolutely vital, essential and ... um ...