Jim Hopkins: Whelcome to Hauckland, shuper chity

It's time somebody had a stern word with Auckland. Put a few home truths on the table, so to speak.

Because, you see, it's all very well having some bloomin' royal commission rushing around hither and yon, cogitating and pondering upon the shape of flings to come but, as we are now well aware, in their rush to create Outer Roa's first ever SUPER City, they've overlooked one very important matter.

Mind you, it's taken a while for that awful realisation to dawn upon us. There were no grim faces last week, for example, when exhausted horsemen first rode their steaming steeds across the clattering cobbles of hamlets near and far, gasping the glad tidings to any tinkers, cut pads, fishmongers and washerwomen within earshot.

And great was the rejoicing that followed. On Queen Street - and the golden pavements of Hunter's Corner, Papatoetoe - good burghers and ladies of the night alike tossed their top hats (and tops) into the air and cried, "Huzzah! Bravo! We're going to be a super city!! And with our own Lord Mayor, by jolly, by jove!!!"

There was even speculation the first such eminence could be John, who'd promptly name his super city Bankstown and turn (Lord) Mayoral Drive into a canal so he'd have somewhere to ride his jet-ski at lunchtime. And good luck to him - provided he turns the Aotea Centre into an underwater reef while he's at it.

Although, having said that, it may be a tad premature to predict who'll be the first L.M. of our first S.C.

Especially since others, including the extinguished poet laureate, Sir Jam Hipkins (title pending), have also expressed an interest in the position. Sir Jam's candidacy is enthusiastically endorsed by his adoring muse, Ms Epiphany Throbbe. "I hope he wins," she said yesterday, at a Grey Lynn drop-in centre for unemployed carbon traders. "At least it'll get him out of bed before midday."

Sir Jam, who's also considering standing as the United Notions Party candidate in the upcoming Mt Albert byelection, has just released a poem celebrating his bid to be the super city's first super citizen:-

Into the ring my hat I fling.
As Lord Mayor of the City
Imposing rules, ignoring fools
Decisive, tough ... and gritty
I'll put the wind up this city's sails
As helmsman of your galleon
For, 'pon my blood
This Mayoral stud
Will stand as your Lord Stallion
Bestriding all those lesser Mayors
Like Sir Tristram (wearing trousers)
I'll bring you aid
On my Hero's Parade
And terrify the wowsers
Lord Stallion, Super City - ME!!!!!
No tosser North Shore prick
You want it? YES!!!!
Then come, my friends
Sir Hipkins needs your tick!!!!!!!

Well, actually, he needs a lot more than that. And so does Auckland. What Auckland needs, what it really needs, is what Wanganui's about to get. What Auckland needs is an 'h'. Because it's never going to be truly super without one.

Shure, the (Ordinary) Mayor of Wanganui, Mr Michael Lawsh, is getting his knickers in the most prodigious of knots on this matter, but that will pass.

In a week or two, the good citizens of Whanganui will be happy as larrhy that the NZ Geographhy Bhoard has finally corrected an anchient spelling mistake; although, quite how you can have a spelling mistake when, as far as we know, the noble Kupe didn't do maps, signposts or tourist brochures, is a mystery beyond fathomation.

But no matter. A spelling mistake there clearly was - and maybe even two, since we should probably spell "Wonganui" (or "Whonganui") as we say it.

Either way, you just know what's going to happen here. As soon as Wanganui gets its 'h', all the other shires and boroughs in New Zealand are going to want one too.

Hamilton could sell the one it's already got, perhaps to Whellington or Thaupo. Alternatively, Auckland could buy it, to make up for losing the Ellerslie Flower Show, and become Hauckland, which has a noble, avian ring to it, ideal for a high-flying super city.

But, sooner or later, we're going to run out of 'h's' - unless people start donating them, like John Key's car.

Mr One Arawera could donate both of his, one for the South Island, one for the North. That way, the residents of Hashburton (or Thimaru) would finally be placated, as would the good souls in lonely, lovely Kheri Keri.

Come to think of it, if Elen Clark left hers behind when she moves to New York, it could be "Kheri Kheri - the pick of the crop".

Just as Whonganui, with a little dyslexic ingenuity, could be "Wonganhui - where people love to meet!!"

The point is, Aucklanders need to think about thhis. There's no point sticking your chhests out and saying, "Wow, we're a super city" when the rest of the country is laughing behind your backs because you hain't got a haitch.

So, come on guys. Get with the programme. Send every last mayor you've got on an urgent mission to Whellington to tell those Geography Board Gheezers you're not settling for anything less than becoming our first ever shuper chity!

Hell's bhells, if youh dhon't, who whill?