Jim Hopkins: Teachers' new fantasy - A relaxing getaway in Afghanistan

The younger of the two looked over the top of his newspaper. "Apparently, the minister thinks these events are relatively rare," he said.

"Oh, well, that's all right then," chuckled the gnarled veteran, pushing himself out of his armchair. "Pass me that flak jacket, will you? I've got a class in 10 minutes."

NCEA Liberal Studies Exam

Tick one answer only (or not, if you prefer).

You've "accidentally" stabbed your teacher during a stressful Year 8 class.

Do you get:

a) Heaps of cuddles and lots of counselling because you're a victim of socio-economic and cultural deprivation?

b) Your own Facebook page?

c) Interviewed on Close Up?

d) No punishment whatsoever, because you're far too young to know right from wrong or one end of a knife from the other?

"Where are the parents?" asked the younger teacher. "That's what I want to know."

"No you don't," replied the veteran. "Believe me, if you knew where some of them were, you wouldn't sleep at night."

"I don't," said his colleague. "I just lie there, staring at the ceiling, worrying about what it's going to be like on the front line in the classroom."

The young man studied his newspaper in sombre silence. "Look," he said, pointing to the article he'd been reading earlier. "It says here 442 teachers were assaulted in 2008 and 2009."

"And that's just the ones with injuries ACC had to pay for," sighed his companion. "There's another 335 who escaped with minor cuts and bruises."

"Bloody hell," the young man yelled, "we'd be safer with the SAS in Afghanistan."

"They could take my sex education class any time they like," chuckled the older teacher, dropping a smoke grenade into the pocket of his frayed tweed jacket. "It's good to have one up your sleeve if you need to get out quick," he explained. "You can be halfway down the corridor before they've stopped coughing."

NCEA Maths Exam

A pupil brings X knives, Y knuckle-dusters and a sawn-off shotgun to school, none of which were found because, as you know, the searching of students' bags is a disgraceful violation of your rights.

Two knives are broken in fights. One is stolen. Three knuckle-dusters are sold and two traded for drugs, leaving 25 per cent of the knives and 50 per cent of the knuckle-dusters. How much ammunition did the pupil bring for the shotgun?

Note: Your answer doesn't need to be correct but must include a detailed explanation of the horrors of global warming.

Outside, in what once was called the "play" ground, they could hear angry shouts, then an anguished scream.

"Sounds like another case of Inappropriate Behaviour Disorder," the junior teacher said. "Better break out the Ritalin."

The older man smiled. "Did you know NCEA is an anagram for cane?" he mused. "Just a thought."

"No, seriously," said the youthful idealist. "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing, of course," the gnarled veteran shrugged. "Oh, there'll be some hand-wringing. But that's it. Although ..." the vet paused, "... they could fix it in a flash if they wanted to."

"How?"

"Simple. Let each school decide how it deals with problems. Well, no, not the school, the parents. Let them choose.

"Heck, they own the place. It's their school. Their kids go to it - because the law says they have to, I might add. Not a lot of human rights when you've got CET, is there?

"What do you mean, CET?"

"Compulsory Educational Training, lad. These kids are conscripts. So are their parents. Who pay the bills but get sod all say in how the money's spent. So let them make the rules for a change. Different schools, different rules, I say."

"Including corporal punishment?"

"Why not? If that's what parents choose for their school. Some will. Most won't. My guess is, if you left school rules up to parents, what you'd see nationwide is less emphasis on rights and more on responsibilities."

"Yeah, maybe," said the younger teacher, not entirely convinced. "I see that joker Cameron wants that in Britain."

"Don't worry, lad, the bureaucrats will drum that starry-eyed nonsense out pretty quick," chuckled the veteran.

"They're the ones who're running the cutter. Here. There. Everywhere. It's the biggest global industry we've got. There's more people in the Rights business now than there are selling burgers. Junk food or junk thought. Take your pick."

The bell rang. They moved to the door.

"Good luck," each said to the other.

NCEA English Exam Compherension

Study the ecstrack beelow and answer the Question.

BILLY BUNTER'S TIME MACHINE "Yarrooogh," gasped the fat owl, pressing a hand to his bloodstained shirt. "I've been shot!" Draw a picture (in any language) of the injuries Bunter has sustained and explain why obesity is such a terrible social problem.