Jim Hopkins: Take to the hills. Escape salacious and prurient DNA

COMMENT

Government Health Warning: Don't get sick. There's not enough Government Health to go around.

Government Health Warning 2: Caution. Danger. Take cover. Lock up the children. Build an ark. This column contains generically modified organisms, including DNA (Disagreeably Naughty Additions) which have not been approved for humour consumption by Erma - or Ethel or even Edith.

It's true, folks. The unshrinkable has happened. In a shameful attempt to boost circulation, [Buck's organ shuddered] several strands of salacious and prurient DNA have been secretly implanted [as he pumped] in this text by mad scientists [the pedals wildly.] hell-bent on rousing the basest instincts of the vile and depraved. [Myrtle moaned softly]

This appalling act, [ "I want you," she sighed] has undoubtedly been purpletrated by unscrupulous multi-nationals ["I want you to play something else"] who want to kill off all their customers ["before the whole congregation leaves] simply so they can increase their exorbitant profits.

The move has already been roundly condemned by Margorie (Mothers Against Repeated Genetic Orgasm Research in Eketahuna) whose members are threatening to "pick every bloom in the Parnell Rose Gardens if that's what it takes to stop this act of naked [and trembling] aggression which could destroy for ever the clean, green syntax we all hold, dear".

OUTBURST AT HEARING

Chaos rained at today's hearing by Erma (and Ethel and Edith) of an application by the Harold to conduct carefully supervised field trials of generically modified material.

The co-co-leader of the Green Party, Mr Rod FitzDonald, was forcibly restrained by officials after pinging his braces suggestively when he was told by the hearing's chairperson, Ms Donna Huata-Problem, to "stop behaving like a lemming on steroids and grow a bit of common sense".

(These remarks were applauded enthusiastically by a small group of scientists from the US company Senility, who later advised reporters they hadn't actually been at the hearings and - if they had been - it was only in a private capacity as members of the visiting Death Valley Garden Club.)

Mr FitzDonald had previously claimed there was no way of knowing "what unspeakable horrors could have been stalking the Earth, Jack, now that the traditionally vegetative quality of our newspapers has been contaminated forever".

He argued that approval of the Harold's field trial would mean "vast numbers of untold countless mutant species will be inflicted upon the innocent readers of pages yet unborn".

As evidence of this assertion, he cited a recent column by the extinguished poet laureate Jam Hipkins which was supposedly generically modified for additional erotic impact and yet, within three paragraphs, "all that salacious and prurient DNA had recombinated with Hipkins' standard drivel to become quite ecclesiastical in character".

"And this is what we confront," said Mr FitzDonald. "No wonder there's an epidemic of gay bishops in the Anglican Church, causing painful schisms wherever they appear. This is a wake-up call for all who value the traditional rectitude of the clergy."

Meanwhile, in a further development today, the laureate himself is appealing for calm after Mr FitzDonald's outburst. Although he has declined to comment on the Greens co-co-leader's scathing criticism of his work "in case it jeopardises my next literary grant", he is prepared to defend "this poor wee onion that's trying to get modified at the moment".

"We're so selfish, aren't we?" said Mr Hipkins.

"We always tend to see these things just from our own perspective. But lettuce look at it from a vegetable's point of view. That way, we might beetroot to the great Kiwi tradition of fair play and tolerance, which would be a turnip for the books in this day and sage."

To promote a greater understanding of the issues, the laureate has released a new poem to coincide with the onion field-trial hearing in Christchurch:

I am a little onion,

That is my nature's fate,

I want to grow up big and strong

Not drenched in glyphosate.

I want to be an onion

Who can truly, proudly boast

I played my part, beside the cheese

Upon a piece of toast.

For that, I need the strength inside

That can defy the pesticide

So when I'm pickled, diced or fried,

I'll be good taste exemplified.

See, in a casserole or stew

No decent onion wishes to

Sour the lips of those who chew

With lots of nasty residue.

But if I'm to spring, resplendent

Then you all know what that means

It means I need protection from

A brand new set of genes.

I need the sort of DNA

That will resist the Round Up spray,

A strand of this, a strand of that

From eye of newt or butt of bat.

So let me go on trial, I say,

Or else you'll hear me sigh:

"I'm the onion with a broken heart -

It's you who've made me cry"


Footnote: The leader of United Suture, Peter Dunne, has contacted us with regard to the use of the term "common sense" in the context of the generic engineering debate. Mr Dunne points out that although lots of "common sense" has been spliced into parliamentary proceedings such as the Privy Council and land transport debates, "there's no evidence it's modified anything".