KEY POINTS:
We've been saying it for years. Whenever tribulation's chill hand clutches our throat, some abiding human resilience enables us to shrug our shoulders and say, more in consolation than despair, "Ah well, y'can't win 'em all - or, alternatively, for those sitting NCEA this year, 'U cnt wn m all'.
Either way, it's an inescapably truthful proposition. We can't win 'em all, as those hoping to see our liquor laws amended can ruefully attest.
But we can win some of them. Our chins were designed to be up, ladies and gentlemen, our eyes focused on the hopeful horizon.
There's always some crumb of comfort to be retrieved from the banquet of rejection. Things are never as bad as they seem.
Not this week, anyway.
Those disillusioned by Parliament's failure to do the bright thing and raise the drinking age will be heartened to hear there's better news on another front, one which may, ultimately, be of greater significance to the evolving future of Outer Roa as a thriving, vibrant multicultural knowledge economy moving up the value chain in the dynamic global market - or, alternatively, 'Wad r u tlkin abt????' as that exciting concept will likely be expressed in this year's NCEA exams.
See, while most of us have been distracted by the fuss about teenagers boozing, the Gummint has quietly initiated another very significant review.
Though not willing to raise the Drinking Age, they are giving serious thought to raising the Thinking Age, perhaps as high as 75.
The move has been welcomed by experts like Professor Peter Ponder from The Institute of Conceptual Disasters.
"This is excellent," said Professor Ponder today in an exclusive Harold interview. "If younger politicians, for example, were prevented from thinking till they were, say, 70 or 75, we'd be a lot happier than we are today.
"Especially since most of them head straight for the top shelf and start thinking really potent stuff like Stadium Outer Roa without considering the potentially disastrous consequences."
Professor Ponder says many younger politicians are "indecently" keen to get into the Cabinet and start thinking. "Unfortunately, they think they're bulletproof, so they indulge in an alarming pattern of binge thinking."
Having used rats in a maze to mimic the behaviour of politicians in the Cabinet, Professor Ponder believes he has identified some potentially catastrophic results of this binge thinking.
"The young ones start sensibly enough with one small think; 'Gosh, we've got the World Cup here in 2011' , then another: 'Wow, a new stadium would be great'. And another: 'Especially in Auckland where the votes are'. After that, they're straight into the doubles. 'But well away from the PM's house, of course ... like the waterfront'. And at that point there's no stopping them.
"They've become thunk with power and convinced they can beat every red light in the world.
"Any sensible adult who says, 'Look, the soaring price of steel, concrete and other raw materials triggered by China's Olympic ambitions could do serious damage to your construction system' is dismissed as a boring old fuddy duddy.
Professor Ponder says Cabinet binges can trigger such severe delusions of grandeur in younger politicians that "they ignore anything which limits their thinking pleasure.
"Mention Incis or the Health Department computer system - both of which cost 100s of millions before being scrapped - and you're offered a job as part of the Stadium's foundations.
"Remind them how the LAV (Light Armoured Vehicle) debacle began as a $216,000,000 upgrade of the existing vehicles and finished with 105 white elephants and a bill for $760,000,000 plus, and before they can say 'Special legislation' you'll be fertilising the hallowed turf!!!"
Professor Ponder also fears for the safety of any taxpayer foolish enough to raise awkward issues like the $490,000,000 blow-out in the gummint's new prison construction budget. Or the fact that the four new complexes are not only overpriced but also overdue.
Such is his anxiety about the "truly horrendous" dangers heavy thinking can cause, "not only for younger politicians but also the wider community which incurs the cost and suffers the effects of their reckless behaviour" that he is calling for an immediate ban on all thinking in Parliament "unless it can be strictly supervised by taxpayers.
"Youth and power are a heady brew and these youngsters don't have the maturity to handle it."
To support his argument, the Professor cites a wide range of mega-projects - including the Pyramids and Wembley Stadium - all of which went over budget and over time and "all of which are the direct result of excessive thinking by people under the age of 75".
Concerned that "ordinary Kiwis who've got to wait three years for Resource Consent for a carport may get stuck with the billion-dollar bill to cure Parliament's binge thinking", he says mature voters must police the behaviour of politicians "much more rigorously".
Professor Ponder believes "we should be encouraging them to try RTBs (Ready To Builds) like North Harbour Stadium or, perish the thought, Eden Park.
"It may not be so intoxicating and it won't give them the omnipotent thrill they get from their own over-proof concoctions, but until our politicians prove they can think responsibly and in moderation, that's where it should stop. Alternatively, if they're so hooked on thinking that they can't resist the Waterfront, then voters should tell them to have another whip-round and pay for it themselves. That'll sober them up pretty quickly!!"
