Jim Hopkins: Short list drawn up for Holmes show with a difference

HUMOUR

"Those were our people today, that's ... "

"A disaster," yelled the Very Senior Chief Controller of Ratings and Revenue. "A total disaster." He jabbed the off-button on his remote savagely and the giant flat screen on the boardroom wall instantly faded to black, snuffing out the enormous, beaming face that had been smiling benignly down upon the small group of sombre executives gathered in urgent executive conference.

"Ummm ... it's not that bad," said a voice at the far end of the boardroom. "He could've won the presidency ... "

"Who is that idiot?" snapped the Very Senior Chief Controller of Ratings and Revenue, turning to his cowering assistant.

"We don't know yet, sir. They're still disputing the votes in Ohio."

"I mean the one at the end of the table," hissed the Very Senior Chief Controller.

"Oh, that idiot," mumbled his relieved aide. "That's the Slightly Senior Chief Controller of Wardrobe, Grooming and Presenter Enhancement, sir."

"Not any more," yelled the Very Senior Chief Controller, flinging his remote in the general direction of the hapless japester. "We'll get St Vincent de Paul to do it from now on."

Sobbing, the former Slightly Senior executive rushed from the room, with nothing more than a slightly used remote as a parting gift.

An eerie silence settled upon the group. Sunlight danced over the polished surface of the boardroom table and refracted through the glass of the $59.95 bottles of wine - part of the new Corporate Frugality Programme - on its recycled kauri surface. Someone coughed a nervous cough.

The VSCC of R and R tapped his fingers impatiently. "I'm waiting," he snapped. "Is anybody going to tell me how this happened?" His gimlet eyes focused on the Junior Senior Chief Controller of News and Programming. "Come on. You should know. You sacked him."

"I didn't sack him," squawked the Junior Senior Chief Controller of News and Programming. "He left."

"Well, you didn't keep him. It's the same thing," barked his superior.

"No it's not," spluttered the JSCC of N and P. "Look, I have to take a responsible approach here. We're talking about public money after all, and we can't go splashing it out on any old Tom, Dick or ... "

"Paul," whispered the Even More Junior Senior Chief Controller of Cute Promos and Weather Forecasts, who'd always had a soft spot for the impish little current affairs presenter with the quirky sense of humour.

"Even if he did earn us $160,000 a night, five nights a week, 48 weeks a year," bellowed the Very Senior Chief Controller of Ratings and Revenue, pounding his head on the table in anguish as the vastness of the looming financial loss dawned upon him.

"Exactly," chirped the Junior Senior Chief Controller of News and Programming, who'd missed the point completely. "Quite right. We're dealing with public money and we have to take a prudent and responsible approach in order to fulfil our obligations as a charter-driven public service broadcaster. Because this is public money we're dealing with and we can't start handing out long-term contracts to a privileged few when there are important community programmes like Celebrity Treasure Island, NZ Idol, Shortland Street and Headliners to fund, can we?"

"Besides, it doesn't matter if he goes to Prime. They don't have any viewers anyway."

"That's precisely why they've hired him, you buffoon," roared the Very Senior Chief Controller, a vein bulging in his outraged temple. Desperately swallowing a tranquilliser, he struggled to regain his composure. "What do you think they'll do?" he rasped.

"They might launch a show called Holmes in His Prime," trilled a Very Very Junior Senior Chief Controller. "Or they might call it Rest Holmes if they want an older audience."

"So what are we going to do?" retorted the VSCC of R and R. "And who are we going to get?"

"Ummmm ... John Campbell," somebody stammered.

"No. We can't have John Campbell," the VSCC declared brusquely. "He's too ... ummm ... Susan Wood. And we can't have Susan Wood. She's too ... ummm ... "

"John Campbell?" suggested the Very Very Junior Senior Chief Controller.

"Exactly," nodded the Ratings and Revenue Controller. "But, speaking of Johns, I'm told Tamihere's available."

"Oh, great," shrieked the Senior Chief Accountant. "He's the absolute epitome of prudence and responsibility, wouldn't you say?"

"Good point," said the VSCC. "What's more, if it goes wrong, we could have another messy koha wrangle." He paused. "Do you want to know what I think?"

"Of course we do, sir," chorused the group.

"Okay. First of all, I think we need someone short. The viewers like short."

"Yes," chorused the group.

"And I think we need a woman. Our employers would like that. And ethnic would be good - from a charter point of view. Not too ethnic - just different."

"Yes," chorused the group. "Yes. Yes. Yes."

And so it was that a puzzled group of archaeologists beavering away in the broiling heat of a dank cave on the remote Indonesian island of Florez received a letter one day which simply began:

Dear Sirs (or Madams)

We understand you are the proud owners of a 12,000-year-old, metre-tall, hairy female humanoid for whom we have a very attractive job offer ...