KEY POINTS:
Newsflash - extinguished Poet Laureate launches Christmas card range - small crowd underwhelmed.
May Santa give you gifts galore
Some socks, some soap, and much, much more
But, fingers crossed, now things are black
Let's hope he won't give you the sack!
And there you have it: a shining example of Mr Jam Hipkins' new oeuvre - which will surely bring great comfort to any anxious worker. If only there'd been a few more folk of that ilk - and a few less literary leeches - at the recent Dargaville launch of the laureate's new venture then, perchance, the reaction would've been more enthusiastic than it apparently was.
Still, we care not a fig for the free fizz and finger food opinions of the sneering fops who attend such events.
They may well bemoan Mr Hipkins' abandonment of the self-indulgent blank verse for which New Zealand poetry is rightly renowned, but the rest of us can only applaud his radical move.
Because the laureate is clearly leading the way. And while it isn't immediately obvious precisely where he's going, he's definitely going somewhere.
And that's a good thing.
We all need to go somewhere, with the possible exception of space, which tends to be rather airless and slightly infinite and also sadly deficient in the nightclub department. But space aside, we do need to go somewhere. If we're not going somewhere, we just go nowhere and that's never been a satisfactory destination in the best of times - which these most certainly aren't.
So Mr Hipkins' embracing of commerce is to be commended. It is a propitious response to the exigencies of the age, specifically the worldwide, international fiscal calamity that has come upon us.
Indeed, you'd hope he's received a congratulatory message from the Beehive - and if he hasn't he surely will, preferably in less time than it takes to send a Hercules as far as it will go before it breaks down.
Official message to Kiwis stranded in Bangkok - We'll meet you in Perth. Actually, mention of such matters provides an opportunity to showcase some of the laureate's other cutting-edge, postmodern Christmas card messages, soon to be on sale at the Smith & Caughey $2 Shop (another poignant reminder of the global economic meltdown).
This brief refrain, for example, should coax a smile from anyone who's recently endured a harrowing trip to Southeast Asia...
Oh, Santa, please don't kick the bucket
Or those in Thailand will say, "Phuket!"
The tourists, trapped, who daily pray
That YOU'll turn up upon your sleigh
You're the only hope for those who're stranded
Now our Air Force is disbanded!!
Just as this would undoubtedly warm the cockles of a prime ministerial heart...
Dear Santa, this year hear my plea
Leave nothing 'neath my Christmas tree
Just give a billion to John Key So he can pay my ACC!!!!!
And this tart refrain should please anyone seized with a liberated sense that the windows have finally been opened in Outer Roa, thus letting some air into the stifling room this country had become prior to our recent election...
We know Sue Bradford's done her dash And won't be coming back, So, Santa, give me what I want Or I'll give you a smack!!!
Fair enough too, although it's hard to see many criminologists endorsing the laureate's response to the possible indignities that predicted prison overcrowding may inflict...
Merry Christmas to all felons
Locked away, two in a cell
And when you beat yourselves up, guys be sure to do it well!!!!
A few good biffs and wallops
Some angry grunts and snorts
May just provide the punishment
You don't get from the courts!!!
But we can expect near universal endorsement of the laureate's sentiments in another matter. It will resonate with any traveller obliged to endure the manifest shortcomings of what the bureaucracy calls our roading network. Hah! Notwork, more likely!!!
Wow! Santa is a lucky guy
He gets to whiz round in the sky!
He doesn't need to lug his loads
Along this country's hopeless roads
No campervans cause him delay
While we crawl down some motorway.
So, Santa, Santa, hear our voice
And pass it on the Stephen Joyce
(Our Minister of Transport new)
Who maybe will take heed of you
And start the job that must be done
To rebuild damned State Highway 1
Indeed so. When the fresh-faced new entrants return to work in Parliament next week the first thing they should announce is a major infrastructure initiative - nothing flash, just a proper plan to make SH1 a road for the 21st century; safer, straighter, four lanes all the way, with central barriers and bypasses around every town it currently creeps through.
Sure, it'll take a while but we've waited a while too and with zero-emission vehicles just around the corner the time to build a first world road is now!!!! Failing that, they could just admit it's beyond them and give every motorist in this country a free donkey. They'd be the ideal Christmas present, and perfect on our biblical roads.
The choice is yours, Mr Joyce, sir. But please don't ask us to watch this space, 'cos there's a b****y great milk tanker in it!!!!!
