KEY POINTS:
(By the Harold DigiProbe Insight Team, with assistance from Qantas Crime Reporter of the Year, Arthur Ransom).
It may have been a busy week for high-profile Auckland Second-Hand goods Trader, Mr Chris Commercekey, but it's about to get even busier with the debonair bachelor's courageous decision to plunge straight into the seething cauldron of another complex case.
Instead of enjoying some richly deserved recognition for his rewarding role as middleman in the missing medals mystery, the suave barrister and pawn shop owner has opted instead to play a similar role in the controversial Donorgate investigation.
And Commercekey, 54, who angrily rejects claims he's nothing more than a glorified wheeler-dealer, is hoping his involvement in the sensationally unsolved case of the Missing Minister will silence his many critics. "They're wrong," he told The Harold's DigiProbe Insight Team while Arthur Ransom was out topping up his phone card.
Commercekey believes a successful outcome in the Glenn Affair should convince sceptic and simpleton alike that his motives are pure and his bank account modest.
"I think the two cases - the medals and the ministerial matter - are similar," he says, noting each involves "someone putting up a lot of dosh, either to get something back or just get it.
"With the medals it was $300,000. But with the G man, it's even more. He ponied up a cool 500 Cullens [gangland slang for a $1000 note] and the question I ask is, What was that half mill worth? What was it going to get? What was Owen offered? Sumfink? Nuffink? Minister of Transport? Deputy Minister of Foreign Affairs? We just don't know. But if we did! If we could get the answers to them questions, then we'd have cracked it, know what I mean, guvnor?"
Commercekey is convinced his expensive legal experience and recent hush-hush, top-secret role in the recovery of Waiouru's stolen medals gives him a unique skill set. "I really fink I can find out who's owing Owen, assuming anyone is, of course. We've just got to recover the missing memories, that's all. Get them back and we've got a result."
But getting those memories back will involve hours of negotiations. "As soon as I heard about Owen's spot of bother," he says, "I thought, 'Hmmmm'. This is another very daring job. Let's face it, there's not many people in this country with the skill - or the nerve - to pocket half a million dollars before they hand out the old ministerial payback."
Mindful of that, the taut (and self-taught) gumshoe is now busily "working the cell phone, no pun intended. Y'know, making a few calls to various 'clients' in Paremoremo ... and Parliament. Just to see if they can finger anyone. Maybe tell me where the missing memories are. I'm sure we'll find them. Nothing leaks more than a sinking politician, so I'm confident we'll get to the bottom of this - as the Bishop said to the submarine".
Meanwhile, the extinguished poet laureate, Mr Jam Hipkins GD, QSM (Generous Donor and Quite Surely Ministerial) is celebrating his recent appointment as Honorary Consul to Dargaville with the release of a stunning new work his devoted muse, Ms Epiphany Throbbe, adoringly calls "the most recent thing he's done". Not surprisingly, Hipkin's piece addresses Mr Commercekeys stellar achievement in the Waiouru case, deftly comparing his endeavours with those of our law enforcement agencies:
When the coppers' search for medals Had failed to yield a clue
And the poor, bewildered bobbies
Didn't quite know what to do.
When they sadly scratched their puzzled heads
And hope began to sink
Then that clever Chris Commercekey said,
"I think I'll ring the clink!"
For unlike our stout boys in blue
Mr C. just seemed to know
The V. C. crims would be exposed
By their unique M. O.
So he rang up certain shady coves -
Fiend, felon and crime lord -
Who eagerly responded to
The magic word, "Reward!!"
Thus soon, in secret, Chris did grin,
"By George! I cannot fail!
Look! Just one medal handed back
And Crichton's out on bail!"
Did someone whisper to the Judge?
"Just let him walk, Your Honour ...
And don't ask tricky questions or
The medals are a goner."
Including those which bear two words
That simply say, 'For Valour'
On which our lawyers, cops and courts
Have cast a sickly pallor.
But don't despair! This sordid deed -
More tarnishing than shining
Still does contain, like every cloud
A (sort of) silver lining.
Henceforth, whenever villains steal
Some treasure we can't find
And crooks and clues alike elude
The Force's finest mind.
Then, to ensure that crime does pay
But the coppers still save face
They simply use their brains and get
Commercekey on the case!!!
