Jim Hopkins: Kiwis ready to surrender to swagman

Right, pay attention, class, this is important. There's a survey out, you see - well, two, actually. Don't roll your eyes, Perkins!

We know there's lots of surveys coming out. Yes, yes, like Elton John at a baby show; very droll, Perkins. Why don't you Twitter that, you irksome consequence of spermal suicide! Not now, Perkins!

Hands up those who've heard of the Legatum Institute? No, not Legume, Perkins, though it's heart warming to discover one vegetable's familiar with another. Anyone? No. The only hands up are those picking noses. Just your own, please, Perkins!

Okay, this Legatum Institute, of which you are all blissfully unaware, is a bunch of Brits who occasionally publish a Prosperity Index. As they have this week. Get ready to cheer, class, because we're ... fifth! That's overall, you understand. First in education - perhaps you should pass the Cambridge Sarcasm Paper before you get snarkey, Perkins - 19th in health, 17th economically but 5th in total.

Yes, it is good news, Perkins, but there's no need to kiss Miriam!

Here's a quote - write it down: "Norway headed the [Institute's] index, followed by Denmark, Finland, Australia and New Zealand ... New Zealand would have been higher than Australia had it not been for Australia's much stronger economy."

Did you say, "duh", Perkins? Congratulations, attenuated weed. For once, you're absolutely, if inexplicably, correct. An atom of intelligence may have found a home in your brain. Let's hope it's not leaky.

Though it certainly isn't now, class. Young Perkins has hit the nail on the head. That's "nail", not "male", Perkins. Put your ruler away. What these Legatumists are saying is that we would have been more prosperous than Australia except we're not.

That's like telling us we would have come first if we hadn't come second, n'est pas? No, that's not where Mr Harawira lives, Perkins. Wake up, class! This is important. It's basically why we're flogging things off hither and yon. "Care for a share of Air New Zealand, folks? Or would you rather have a power company? Why not! It beats borrowing $250 million a week."

In fact, class, when you have to borrow $250 million a week, or $110 million a week or whatever it is now, just to make sure people don't feel as poor as they really are, then you've pretty much run out of options.

You've got to sell the silver - not all of it, mind, just a couple of knives here and a few forks there - unless you want to be Ireland's stunt double. Or go to work for Portugal.

All of which makes this Prosperity Index particularly germane - no, that's not a country in Europe, Perkins - especially since it's reared its ugly head in the very week that our Aussie cobber-digger swagman mates celebrate their national day.

Which brings us, sadly, to the second survey, commissioned by a wine company especially for Australia Day, class. Alas, it too contains some ominous portents.

As you know, we Kiwis have always had a "never say dye" attitude - with the possible exception of Mr Goff. ("My wife made me do it. Now can I run the country?") Well, that attitude's gone, or so the vinter's survey would suggest, for we have surrendered the cultural, behavioural, fiscal and climatic high ground on almost every front.

Asked to identify things they thought Australia did better than us, 500 New Zealanders nominated theme parks, supermodels, Melbourne Cups, Barrier Reefs, rugby league, barbies, taxes, wages, superannuation, weather (recent vicissitudes aside), cab sav and department stores.

Bugger! Yes, I did say that, Perkins, but you can't! Included in the smattering of things we felt we did better were lamingtons and pies. Otherwise, it was a massacre.

We think the Aussies are better at getting Oprah Winfrey over for a global mega-gush. We think Nicole Kidman's better at getting other people to have her babies for her. We even think they're better at cricket, for pity's sake!

Worst of all, and this is a genuine worry, class - in fact, it's why we've run out of soft options and only have hard choices left - nearly half the Kiwis surveyed (45 per cent to be precise) said "they would cross the ditch to join the Aussies".

Take the wings off the planes, boys and girls, or get your pension paid in turnips.

Now, Perkins, before you and your chums head for the playground to compare knives, would you please read to the class the latest offering from our extinguished poet laureate, Sir Jam Hipkins (Honour pending).

Never knock
a Passing Okker
Never scoff or sneer
'Cos half of us would rather be
Living there, not here
Never bag a Swag man
Never scorn the green and gold
'Cos half of us will shift there
When our weather gets too cold
Never shame a Shane, sir
Let me Warne you, it's not wise
For he's the Hurley-girlie man
She's spurned the Kiwi guys
Though Ponting may be pouting
We must face facts - if we dare
If they'd just pay
We'd gladly say
"Advance Australia fare".