Jim Hopkins: How a war is fought - in the privacy of one's own mind

We take you now on a strange and fearful journey inside the author's head, where a fierce debate is raging:-

Voice of Caution: Look, it won't work. They'll hate you. There'll be letters to the editor. Howls of outrage. Keith Locke will have a nervous breakdown. Sue Bedford ...

Voice of Impulse: Bradford ...

Voice of Caution: Thank you. Sue Bradford will cancel her subscription. You'll be as popular as George Bush in a room full of French presidents.

Voice of Impulse: Ooooooh, that's bad.

Voice of Caution: So do something else.

Voice of Impulse: Like what? On the one hand, there's the war. On the other, there's Sars (Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome). How funny is that? Think about it. You take a quick trip to the Hong Kong Sevens, come home and wipe out Dargaville. Very jolly.

Voice of Caution: Perhaps we should do something radical. Perhaps we should tell people not to read the column this week. Just cut it out, stick a bit of string on each side and use it as a mask to filter out the nasties.

Voice of Impulse: Oh, brilliant. Think of the dry-cleaning bills. Half of Parnell would forget they were wearing them and end up with their decaf, low-cal, goat's-milk lattes down the front of their Versace T-shirts. The editor (Gawd bless you, Sir) would have our guts for garters. No. It's got to be Iraq. Anything else would be a mass distraction.

Voice of Caution: Well, I think you're mad. We're not even in the war. We've taken the high-minded and courageous decision to do only what the Security Council tells us. That's what being independent is all about.

Voice of Impulse: Oh sure. And if the balloon goes up, we'll rely on the UNAF, the UNA and the RUNN, will we?

Voice of Caution: The what ... ?

Voice of Impulse: The United Nations Air Force, Army and the Royal United Nations Navy.

Voice of Caution: But there isn't a United Nations ...

Voice of Impulse: Precisely. They'll be a great help, won't they?

Voice of Caution: Come on. Get real. Whatever George and Co may do, we won't be involved. I remind you of the Prime Minister's statement to Parliament a few weeks ago, in which our leader clearly said: "If the UN Security Council were to sanction the use of force, New Zealand would be obliged to uphold the resolution and would consider what contribution it could make. That contribution would most likely be in the form of humanitarian, medical or logistic support. It could probably most usefully be made at the end stage of the conflict when the huge task of meeting Iraq's needs for reconstruction and humanitarian support would have to be tackled by the international community."

Voice of Impulse: In other words, we'd be there for the photo opportunities, once somebody else had done the dirty work.

Voice of Caution: Well, that's one way of looking at it. Equally, you could say it's a measured and appropriate response in line with our emerging non-aligned status. Don't forget, we live in a benign strategic environment.

Voice of Impulse: Bollocks. Anyone who thinks that has got Sars in their eyes.

Voice of Caution: Come on. You're clutching at straws to justify militarism. But there's nothing funny about "smart" bombs. Indeed, I don't know why they call them "smart" bombs. What's smart about freezing your fins off at 30,000ft, then flying through some despot's bedroom window and blowing yourself to smithereens halfway up his pyjama leg. If you ask me, a really smart bomb would say "Sorry, I've got a headache" and spend the day in bed.

Voice of Impulse: What about Saddam? Haven't you read the papers? Didn't you see his quote, "When the enemy opens the war, it should realise that the battle will be waged wherever there is sky, earth and water anywhere in the world"? And this is the guy who swears blind he's got no weapons of mass destruction. What's he going to fight with? Cocktail umbrellas?

Voice of Caution: Don't be silly. He's bluffing.

Voice of Impulse: We'll see. Meanwhile, we've got a column to finish. So let's be upbeat. If there's going to be a war, we need a song. All the good wars have a song. It's a Long Way to Tipperary, Roll out the Barrel ...

Voice of Caution: What are you suggesting?

Fill up the barrels

Fill up the barrels of oil

Fill up the barrels

Don't let those oil barrels spoil

Voice of Impulse: No. I thought something like:

Oh, say can you see

By the dawn's early light

We have dealt with Saddam

He got blown up last night

Voice of Caution: Very bloodthirsty.

Voice of Impulse: Then try this. For the Brits. Remember The Teddy Bears' song?

If you go down to Baghdad today

You'd better go in disguise

If you go down to Baghdad today

Our planes'll be filling the skies

And every Blair that ever there was

Will gather there, for certain, because

Today's the day that Tony Blair starts his picnic

Voice of Caution: Hmmm. I hope you're wrong - but I fear you're right.

Herald Feature: Iraq