KEY POINTS:
Groceries up 28% - News Item
Petrol Hits $2 - Another News Item
When you can't afford your foodstuffs
All those basic things you crave
And you're forced to cut your shopping list
And buy at Hakn Shave
When you have to get your petrol
Half a litre at a time
And you think the B. P. GST's
A sneaky fiscal crime
When the ends have got so far apart
That you cannot make them meet
Unless you move across to Oz
- Or start to walk the street!!
When your mortgage is outlandish
And your costs are through the roof
But your life's gone down the toilet
... Just repeat this simple truth
Pick up your dying wallet
And share these words so true
For they are a cheering mantra
That will stop you feeling blue
Say to your dying wallet
"Look, we may be in the pooh
But there is always someone
Who is much worse off than you!!!"
Thank goodness for the Laureate, that's all you can say. God bless you, Sir. You've done it again. Just when our gloom seemed impenetrable and our hopes as deflated as any secret-shielding dome at Waihopai.
Just when it seemed there was nothing for it but to clasp the rusty razor and end the endless agony, then, in the nick of time, in our hour of need, precisely when we need him most, the ever-reliable Mr Jam Hipkins steps up to the plate and saves the day.
Because, damn it, the man's right!!! There is always someone worse off than ourselves. And we would do well to remember that.
Sure, it may be difficult, especially when we're stumbling through the wreckage of a ravaged economy, battered by soaring prices and the terrifying thought that in these troubled times the best the bleedin' gummint can do is add some hair-brained emissions trading scheme to our burgeoning list of imposts, but we should, nevertheless, take some consolation from the laureate's unvarnished truth.
There is always someone worse off than ourselves. Even this week.
Imagine, for a moment, if you'd woken up this morning and discovered, for some unfathomable reason, that you'd turned ... Canadian! Honestly, no matter how rotten you felt before, you'd feel even more rotten then. Because being Canadian must be just about the worst thing in the world. Honestly! You've gotta feel sorry for the Canucks.
There they are, stuck at the top of North America, surrounded by polar bears swimming south in search of a refrigerator, constantly overshadowed by the big, brash, sabre-rattling Yanks - a bit like us and the Aussies, really - and basically left with no option but to become Uncle Sam's meek, mild, boring nephew.
Which is precisely what Canada's become. And that's the problem. Canada may be nice and well-behaved. But it's also dull. And dull isn't sexy.
So the poor old Canadians say to themselves, "Heck, there must be someone that likes dull people." And, naturally, they think of New Zealand. "Gee," they say in their mild Canadian manner, "New Zealand's like us. They're overawed by a bigger neighbour. Let's go there and buy an airport."
Except they're not allowed to. Even li'l ol' Noo Zealand sends them packing. Then, to rub volt in the wound, less than a fortnight later, the flamin' torch-bearing, coal-burning Chinese are allowed to buy a perfectly good, only slightly used electricity network supplying essential power to the entire capital city of the whole blooming country!!!!!!!
Because it ain't strategic!!!
"Well, buy me a pair of trousers and call me k.d. lang , but I'd've thought it was strategic!!!!" say the bewildered Canadians.
"Sorry guys! It's not," we blithely reply.
"The fact is, we're the same as everybody else. We just don't like you. And that's that. But the Chinese ... well, now you're talking. We'll happily sell Vector to them - provided they throw in a free Tibet!
"In fact, we're so happy to sell Vector to them that not even two-way Winnie, our very own dual in the Crown, will raise any objections. And if he does, we'll cut his baubles off."
So there you have it - in a nutcase. However grim our lives may be, however burdensome our load, we should nevertheless empty out the piggy bank of hope and count our meagre blessing. At least we're not Canadian!!!
PS. On that heartening note, and speaking of blessings, it's probably fitting to leave the last word to our extinguished poet laureate, Mr Jam Hipkins, who's carefully crafted a new song for our talented politicians to sing, especially now they're all whizzing about waving to the poor people in those marvellous new low emission BMWs.
Okay. Everybody, all together now, one, two, three. To the tune of that grand old standard, Oh, I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside, here we go ...
Oh, I do like to be inside m'Beemer
Oh, I do like m'Beemer driving me
It is such a posh new car
For a Cabinet mini-star
It's my Beemer
And it's FREE!!!!!!!!!!
