Jim Hopkins: Coming soon to a television near you ...

<i>Bro Brother Survivor Harawira.</i> Photo / Mark Mitchell

You've got to hand it to Pam Corkery - preferably wearing gloves - but you do. She deserves a pat on the back, clever girl. Just when you thought free-to-air television was in terminal decline, screening ever more lurid and sensational shows for a dwindling pool of drooling fools, along comes Polythene Pam with a proposal so fresh, so right, so totally meaningful that you could take its top off and call it the network news.

It won't please everyone. We know that. There'll be a few prissy sissies, tut-tutting over their cornflakes, all lemon lipped and livid. But, if we're honest, most of us will say, "Well, strike me pink and call me a dildo, why didn't I think of that? What defect of mind prevented me from seeing the social and cultural benefits of a reality show set in a male brothel where the customers are cougars and every transaction's on tape?"

This is bonking brilliance, folks, Viagra for viewers, inspirational, educational and, best of all, guaranteed to rate its pants off. Well done, Pam. You go, girl.

And let us watch when you do, why don't ya? Heck, somebody's got to take the applicants for a test drive. Your show, your casting couch, baby!

We can't wait, Corky pops. Whether your show replaces Shortland Street or comes after it, we'll be there. Imagine the first episode, likely to feature interviews with all the prospective Sir Tristrams hoping to service two-legged fillies.

"Morning, Albert, thanks for coming in," snaps the nasty judge we're supposed to hate. "Now, your application form says you're 5 foot 3, 71, with a hairy back and no teeth. So what do you think you can offer the average cougar?"

Of course, Albert will stay way past his schmooze-by date, for the same reason that woeful waltzers survive on Dancing with the Stars - it keeps us watching. What fun we'll have when Albert sleeps in and forgets his dentures but still has to satisfy an insatiable 27-year-old legal executive without opening his mouth.

"Hey, kids, come and see this!"

"No thanks, stepdad, I'll just download it on my cellphone later."

They shoot whorses, don't they? Well, they will if Pam has her way.

But wait, there's more! The Harold can exclusively reveal a raft of other hot shows is coming soon to a living room near you. Check out these sizzlers, playmates.

The Galloping Gossip - Globetrotting with His Nibs. He's back! Yes, the poison penpal from hell returns, this time causing international chaos. Politicians everywhere will be running for cover when Chris Carter comes to town because a note from his nibs can make the most ferocious despot quail.

EPISODE 1: While on parliamentary sick leave, Chris takes a taxpayer-funded trip to Russia and writes an anonymous letter denouncing Prime Minister Vladimir Putin as a big girl's blouse who couldn't win a chess match if he was playing himself.

Having wandered around the Kremlin with a chicken on his head, handing out copies of his letter willski nillski, Chris says he's unwell, having come down with a bad case of scrotal mange after visiting Lenin's tomb. He tells medical staff he needs complete rest, more flowers, a full body massage and extra credit cards. But will the doctors believe him?

EPISODE 2: Chris turns up in North Korea ...

Bro Brother Survivor Harawira: When the Maori Party's Maori potty, Mr Hone Hadfield, declares he wouldn't want his seven children dating any grotty, snotty Pakehas (ewww, yuck!) the race is on to find a suitor who can cross the racial divide and be the bro with go, the cuzz with buzz, the honky with a hongi good enough to con our Hone.

Living in a purpose-built ghetto, contestants spend hours on the sunbed or in a pool of tanning lotion, studying te reo, memorising whakapapa and, most important of all, learning how to moan continually (and profanely) about things that happened 150 years ago, before approaching the ethnic purist to request an outing with his offspring. Can anyone fool Hone? Can Hone fool anyone? Watch that space.

Can Phil Win?: You betcha! In this novel game show, Phil Goff tackles all-comers in a winner-takes-all slugfest, battling it out with kindergarten and pre-school teams to see who'll get gold in the egg and spoon race, blind man's bluff and pin the tail on the donkey. Don't miss Episode 3, when globetrotting Chris Carter makes a taxpayer-funded trip to New Zealand to be a guest judge.

L.A. Law: That's Legal Aid law, you understand, with teams of clever lawyers competing to devise ever more creative ways to fiddle the system and line their pockets. And if that sounds like fun, watch what happens when angry taxpayers are left alone with the judges and bureaucrats who just allowed a convicted killer to squander $500,000 of legal aid funds on a farcical 10-day trial!

Honestly, people, buy a tube of Uhu and you'll be glued to the set.