Jim Hopkins: Civil war? OK, fine. But first, pay attention to the rules

COMMENT

So we're going to have a civil war. OK. Fair enough. If the profs and prophets reckon the balloon's going up, you can guarantee it's not hot air.

They're the smart ones. They know what they're talking about. We don't. Rather than arguing the toss, we'd be better off planting some extra veggies in case we're lumbered with food rationing.

Apropos of that, it's not a bad time to have a civil war. For a start, summer is icumen in, as the great Wiremu Shakespeare once put it. And that's gotta be good for the soldiers.

No-one likes fighting in the rain. But with warmer weather coming up, conditions will be ideal for both sides to get stuck in. We can expect a fast, open game with lots of running ruckus.

Which is good. With the Olympics over, there's not a lot on the telly. A bit of biffo and a few last stands could make good viewing ... assuming the last stand isn't taking place in one's own lounge - or newly redecorated barbecue area.

Because that can happen in a civil war. One minute the action's out in the street, then, before you know it, it's in the lounge.

And it could be anyone's lounge. It could be your lounge, it could be my lounge, it could be Professor Mutu's lounge. It could even be the corridors of the Maori Language Commission. You simply don't know.

Not unless the Gummint steps in and sets up a committee to formulate a range of strategic policy initiatives that might ultimately lead to a community consultation document that clearly outlines an equitable and sustainable framework of guidelines for all persons who may wish to pursue their legitimate cultural objectives by means of civil war.

Because we need some rules. We need a few dos and don'ts to avoid making the kind of mistakes that other countries have made when they've gone for a bit of in-house argy bargy to settle their differences.

To that end, just to get the bomb rolling, here's some ideas that might give us a civil war we can be proud of, one that will achieve what the current flag doesn't - namely, reflect our unique identity and international reputation as a friendly place.

For a start, let's uphold our tradition of Fair Play and Good Sportsmanship. Whatever the eventual outcome, it would be nice to think, when the fighting's over, that both sides could get together, have a few beers and bury the hatchet, so to speak.

It would be good if the rival generals could make the sort of speech we've heard in other contexts. "I'd like to thank the enemy for the fight. You guys put your guts on the line today. It was a tough battle, and that's how it should be. And I'd like to thank my guys. And the officials. Civil war was the winner on the day and I hope youse all have a grouse night."

Something else we could consider would be No Fighting In Bare Feet. They're not allowed on Air New Zealand flights and there's no excuse for them on the battlefield either. Attacking forces could easily stub their toes while charging across open ground or, if they're battling on a beach, cut their feet on broken glass or a rusty can. The dressing stations will be busy enough without having to patch up silly billies who didn't wear sensible shoes.

And a General Dress Code would do no harm. Especially for the rebel forces, who probably won't have a uniform. Standard pub rules should suffice: no jandals, no ripped jeans and no gang patches.

Equally, some Noise Controls wouldn't go astray. Let's accept that capturing (or recapturing) a stretch of foreshore is a noisy business, but that's no excuse for inconsiderate post-combat celebrations.

We've all stayed at camping grounds on New Year's Eve and had to put up with a tentful of drunken yobbos yahooing and bellowing and singing "Get your gears off" until 5am when someone finally pulls their pegs out and drops the canvas on them, and we don't want that sort of behaviour in civil wartime. Liberated or vanquished, the owners of expensive beachside homes deserve a good night's rest.

Another thing we could agree on is the need to Be A Tidy Combat Kiwi. Irrespective of any cultural injury you may have suffered at the hands of another culture (as represented by your next-door neighbour) there's no need to be messy.

Tourism is our second-biggest industry and employs many people who're not clever enough to be professors or the chief executives of Crown agencies. It would be disastrous if our majestic landscapes and quaint little towns were left littered with rubble after some particularly fierce battle had largely obliterated their attractive features. This could easily lead to a drop in visitor numbers and have alarming economic repercussions.

Finally, it would be a jolly good idea if we had a rule that no-one could attack anyone who was a friend, or a friend of a friend, or a neighbour, or a relative, or a friend of a neighbour or relative, or just some bloke who gave us a hand once when we got a puncture on the Bombay Hills.

For most of us - with the possible exception of certain professors and chief executives - this would mean there'd be roughly three people in the whole country we could fight.

Which would make the forthcoming civil war short and sweet. With any luck, it'll be done and dusted in double-quick time. And that's gotta be good for us.