KEY POINTS:
The story so far ... On Monday, it was the schools' tuck shops. In a daring dawn raid, Fat Squad officers moved in to confiscate any unauthorised munchies deemed likely to add even a millimollimandimetre to the waistlines of the nation's yoof.
"These T houses have been a
problem for years,"said Fat Squad Commander 'Juice' Gastrick. "We've found all sorts of fat-making paraphernalia. Pies, lollies, asparagus rolls (with butter), even full cream milk. It's diablobic."
On Tuesday, the focus shifted from food to finance when Reserve Bank Governor, Alan "Canute" Bollard, launched another raid, this one aimed at the TWI rather than the TWL (Teenage Waist Line). Calling the NZ$ "dangerously fattening", Dr Bollard sold squillions of the tubby wee things to ruthless speculators who will likely lock them up in dark cupboards until they become even more valuable.
Tragically, no one has the foggiest idea what this heroic move means. It's not easy getting your head (or mouth) around a basket of currencies, let alone the OCR or "selling the dollar short." Heck, most of us haven't even seen a short dollar.
Thus, in classrooms throughout the country, gallant pedagogues struggle to bring their malnourished charges up to speed by explaining Dr Bollard's move in terms the spotty little oiks may actually understand. Now read on.
"Pay attention, Bunter!" snapped Miss Sneedle, her razor-thin lips, tweed skirt and sturdy brogues brooking no denial.
"Imagine the economy is a tuck shop,"Miss Sneedle continued, her sharp voice slicing through the inert air. "What would you expect to find in it?"
"Ooooh! Pies, miss," squealed Billy, delighted with his perspicacity.
"No, Bunter!" hissed his tutor, gaily hurling a duster at the massive head of the great blancmange. "What you'd find is lots of yummy dollars!"
"Yarrooogh!" gasped the fat owl, ruefully rubbing the dent in his head where the duster had struck. "You couldn't eat them!"
"But you could use them to buy things you can eat. Or, if you're a foolish, greedy customer of the economic tuck shop who doesn't care about ... " (her voice became a disgusted whisper) " ... financial obesity ... you could use them to buy unhealthy, fattening things like Plasma TVs, Playstations, dairy equipment and worst of all ... houses!!!!!"
"Oh no!!!"gasped the class.
"But that would make the economy put on weight!" said the Nawob of Pitaldi, who was captain of the First XI and a real brick.
"You're quite right, Mohammed," said Miss Sneedle, "which is why we must ban it!!!" She waved a photograph of a man who looked for all the world like the abstemious lover of a lonely librarian.
"Does anyone know who this is?"
"It's Dr Bollard, Miss,"said Harry Potter, surprised to find he'd been moved from Hogwarts but also relieved to discover he hadn't been killed off yet.
"Correct,"smiled Miss Sneedle. "And Dr Bollard is in charge of our economic tuck shop. It's his job to keep everyone healthy by reducing our consumption of sugary things like OCRs, TWIs and similar harmful preservatives.
"How does he do that?"asked the Nawob.
"By making us pay more for our yummy dollars," explained Miss Sneedle. "You see, the more a dollar costs, the less we can buy, which means fewer TVs, Playstations, and houses. Some of us may even have to rent!!!!We call that a low-flat diet."
"Shouldn't it be a high-flat diet?" murmured Bunter, deftly dodging the hefty blackboard that was immediately flung at him.
The stunned silence was finally broken by young Harris Pilton, half-brother of the hapless heiress.
"Look," said Pilton, "I can understand why Dr Bollard wants us to reduce our dollartary intake. Especially since it's hurting exporters who rely on the currency being worth about half a Polish Zloty in order to sell our high-value products overseas. But surely starving us by increasing the price of dollars is just starving our exporters too?"
In their brute, spotty, intuitive fashion, the class knew this inquiry had put Miss Sneedle on the spot.
"Exactly," sniffed the pedagogue, unflustered. "That's why this week, Dr Bollard's had what we financial dieticians call 'a former currency unit in mutually exclusive directions'."
"What's that mean, Miss?"
"It means he's having a bob each way. After trying to starve us by pushing the dollar up, he's now trying to starve us by pushing it down.
"Don't you see," Miss Sneedle continued, "it's brilliant. The more the economic tuck shop proprietor makes us pay for our dollars, the less we can buy. But if the dollar drops overseas, then ... " (she paused for dramatic effect) " ... the less we can buy.
"It's absolutely marvellous. Either way he eliminates financial obesity and we become the gaunt, skinny souls that nature intended. Poor but honest. Lean, mean and living on the smell of an oily rag. And believe me, when you're older, living 10 to a room in a your one-bedroomed flat, you'll be absolutely thrilled we've finally shed all that unhealthy fiscal flab and become a nobly impoverished little country once again."
The sudden clatter of the lunchtime bell interrupted Miss Sneedle's passionate eulogy, allowing the class, in melancholy unison, to bite morosely into their tofu sandwiches.
