James Griffin: Water, water everywhere - in every flavour

Water. H2O. Aqua. We love it. We can't get enough of it to drink, apparently. Sure, some of this has to do with the fact that if we don't rehydrate we die, but it goes further than that.

These days, it seems, it goes considerably further than that. Water has gone the way of the humble potato chip in its complexity and flavourful variety. Once upon a time, way back in the day when we were hunter-gatherers, water was the simplest of concepts. If you found some, you drank it and that was good. If it didn't contain bugs that made you sick, that was a bonus.

Nowadays we have made things a lot more difficult for ourselves. Still or sparkling? Lemon-lime-flavoured or hint of cranberry? Italian, French or Waiwera?

It seems, as one gazes across the supermarket shelves or dairy fridges of this nation, that there has been an exponential increase in the varieties available to us, the simple consumer looking to deal to our thirst issues.

Vitamin water is suddenly everywhere, in many guises. Where did all these vitamin waters suddenly come from? Which vitamins do I need? Why do I need guarana in my water? I had no idea you could put caffeine in water and I'm not entirely sure it is a good idea. And can someone please explain to me the difference between "vitamin water" and "cordial"?

I had some bottled water the other day that proudly boasted it contained roughage. There was no visible sign of any muesli floating in the bottle - which is probably a good thing for sales of said water, as that would have looked gross. Thank heavens for invisible roughage, I and my digestive system (and presumably the bottlers of said water) say. All of which leads me to wonder how far the whole "put it in water and whack it in a bottle and they will buy it" experience will go.

How long before we are drinking water in flavours that God and nature never intended? Will the current trend for insane potato chip flavours spread to bottled water? Tzatziki-flavoured mineral water anyone? Sparkling roast lamb and mint sauce water? Potato chip-flavoured vitamin water?

And then there's all the stuff they're putting in water now to apparently make it healthier for us - which is saying quite a lot given that fresh, clean drinking water is among the healthiest things on the planet. But now we need added vitamins and minerals to make it even more healthier - as if that is humanly possible. New Improved Brain Water! With added Omega-3 but none of the pungent taste of fish oil.

Available in sparkling and still. If you try it once, you'll never forget to buy it ever again. In order to keep ahead of the pack on this one, do bottled water manufacturers have teams of scientists working round the clock, in laboratories and scouring rainforests, to find anti-ageing serums and cell-repairing compounds and cures for deadly diseases, to whack in a plastic bottle to sell to thirsty (and gravely ill) punters?

Is the logical conclusion of this that ambulances will carry racks and racks of various bottled waters to administer to the injured at crash scenes? "Give this patient with a fractured fibula 700mls of sparkling orange-flavoured bone-repairing water." And if water can be used for good, can it also be used for evil?

Mandarin-flavoured P-water anyone? Drink new Bongwater - all the buzz of the real thing, now in peach flavour. "Customs officials today intercepted a large shipment of E-water, with a street value running into the millions, cunningly hidden in bottles of ordinary cheese-flavoured sparkling mineral water imported from Holland." As is the way with so many things in our world, we have taken something inherently simple - see water, drink water, feel no thirst - and made it a very complex experience.

Will Weetbix-flavoured water, with milk-flavoured water added to that, with a drizzle of sugar-water on top, plus maybe a pottle of Vegemite-flavoured Vogels water on the side, become the breakfast of champions for future generations of Kiwi kids? And then we could follow that with some healthy sparkling salad-water for lunch. Oh what a healthy nation we could become - and a nation that goes to the toilet a lot also, which must be good for both our kidneys and the plumbing industry.

Oh, how much easier it would be if everything in life came in a bottle. And then, when everything we need to survive comes handily packaged in recyclable plastic containers, who knows where things might evolve from there?

Coming soon, air - now in new mint flavour.