KEY POINTS:
There is a place where all the useless information in the world goes to hide. It is called the internet. On the internet, just last week, I found out that a Wanganui man sold his soul, on Trade Me, for $5001. He sold it to a pizza company with theological connotations to its name.
Golly gosh, there are so many things that could be said about this - and on so many levels - it is difficult to know where to start. So I'll start with the fact that Trade Me actually promotes the sale of human souls.
Sure, on one level you can say it was obviously a joke; I mean, people joke about selling their soul for this, that or the other all the time, so why not put it on the internet and see what the market rate for a soul is these days? "$5001? Score! I would have shipped it free of charge for $2.70! My shout down the pub, all you unbelievers who laughed at me and told me I was being a dick when I said I was going to sell my soul on Trade Me! Suck on this!" But what if it wasn't a joke? I mean the man lives in Wanganui and Michael Laws is the Mayor of Wanganui, so what if this was actually a desperate plea for help? Given the combination of Wanganui and Laws, this is, you must admit, likely.
So what if the whole Trade Me/soul-selling gig was actually a coded message to the outside world about how bad things have got in Wanganui while the rest of the nation turns a blind eye and instead all that happened was a stupid pizza company read it and thought "hey, this free publicity is worth at least around $5001"? "I'm trying to clue the rest of the world into what's really going on in Wanganui - the Darfur of New Zealand - not sell double-cheese, meat-lovers', vegetarian, seafood pizzas to the masses! Don't you people know a cry for help when you hear one? Are the victims of Michael Laws to be ignored forever?"
Indeed, the whole practice of soul-selling by Trade Me must be viewed in all possible lights. If stem cell research is considered dodgy in some quarters, then surely the online trading of the very essence of what it is to be human must at least raise a few eyebrows somewhere. I mean, what if the next time some wag decides to sell his soul on Trade Me, the buyer turns out not to be a pizza company but your actual Satan - Beelzebub, Lucifer, Mugabe, he goes by many names.
What happens then, eh? "The rest of eternity? In hell? For $39.99? The bloke from Wanganui got $5001 and all the pizzas he could eat! How the hell is this fair? No way am I giving anyone any positive feedback on this lemon!" Then we get to the whole economics of the deal - $5001 for a human soul? Forget whether said soul is being purchased by a pizza company, the supernatural embodiment of evil or even Michael Laws, $5K for a soul sounds dreadfully cheap to me.
What was the reserve set at? I understand that the man lives in Wanganui, with all that entails, but a mere $5001 for the very fibre of his being sounds like a complete loss of self-worth to me. "Honestly, I meant to set the reserve at $5000 in cash; plus a never-ending threesome with Scarlett Johansson and Angelina Jolie (once she's got her figure back after her babies); plus the ability to replay the 2007 Rugby World Cup so we win; and eternal life so no one ever actually gets my soul, but Trade Me made me take everything but the $5001 out! I swear!"
All I am really saying here is that by flippantly selling souls on the internet, all the parties involved here - the bloke from Wanganui, Trade Me, the pizza company, Satan, Michael Laws - need to take a good, long, hard look at the can of worms they're opening.
Soul-selling is not something that should be taken lightly. And to knock off one's soul at less than the going rate for a Falcon station wagon is, I would suggest, rather under-valuing the whole human race. "It was just a joke, mate. Don't freaking over-read the situation.
I mean, I've just scored five grand - for nothing!" Have you, Man from Wanganui? But what happens when the pizza delivery man comes to call and says that this time he's not actually delivering; that this time he's come for a takeaway? And what he wants to take away this time is your soul.
The one he's already been paid for - $5000 plus a $1 tip. Who'll be laughing then, eh?
