KEY POINTS:
Since I've been writing this column, at about this time of year - when the sun is still high in the sky and, hopefully, everyone is feeling good about themselves - I have deliberately tried to abuse my position as the back-page Canvas columnist for my own personal gain. And here we are, at that time of the year, in 2009. This is my annual column where I appeal to the reality TV-makers of this country to heed my quite brilliant ideas for new reality TV series; ideas that will stand proudly among the greatest reality TV ideas ever, if only someone will open their chequebook to clasp them to their reality bosoms.
Thus far, in five or so years of writing this column, my success rate has not been so good; especially if you define "not been so good" as "nothing, not a nibble, zero". It is almost as if the reality TV industry is not taking my ideas seriously, but how can this be in a nation where Sensing Murder is regarded as reality television? How can any idea be considered too stupid when Sensing Murder is somehow the benchmark?
But, out of respect to the reality industry, I'm giving it another crack this year, and this year's theme, which I hope will catch the eye, is that of shamelessly ripping off overseas series, then adapting my plagiarised idea to both this country and these difficult economic times.
The New Bloody Apprentice takes the Donald Trump-fronted homage to corporate greed that is The Apprentice, and gives it a distinctly Kiwi/new recession spin in that all the competitors used to have really highly paid jobs in investment banking, real estate and property development, but are now after an entry-level job with a lawn mowing business.
The mix of corporate back-stabbing and garden-based outdoorsy stuff will, I think, be irresistible to an audience. Plus the host (I'm thinking Marc Ellis) will have a great catch-phrase as he sends each failed competitor on the way with a heartfelt "you gave it a crack, but on your bike now, son".
New Zealand's Next Top Liquidator, hosted by Rachel Hunter, will dial up the sex factor in what is generally regarded as an asexual industry. It'll be a heady mixture of high fashion, cat-fights and accountancy, something that has never been seen before on our TV screens. Of course, finding a liquidator who isn't currently too busy to appear on the show might be a problem.
Sensing Liability will take the Sensing Murder team and attempt to give them something useful to do by taking them into failed, shonky investment companies, where they will use their psychic powers to find out where all the money went. They will walk around the offices where actual humans used to work and pick up vibes and say meaningful things that are at the same time completely meaningless.
The beauty of this idea is that it doesn't matter if they find any money because they never solved any murders. Mythbusters, loosely based on the American series Mythbusters, will have two loveable, affable co-hosts (I'm thinking Jason Gunn and Petra Bagust) who will, as the title suggests, bust all the myths that led us into this current economic quagmire.
In a loveable and affable way (because we need positive emotions at a time like this) Jason and Petra will tear apart the shoddy thinking behind failed investment strategy after failed investment strategy, until the whole capitalist system is laid waste before their lovability and affability. Sure, ultimately, we may come out of the series thoroughly disillusioned with life as we know it, which is why affability and lovability are key elements of Mythbusters.
My series, Celebrity Project Runaway, is less about competing wannabe fashion designers, like the American series Project Runway, and more a travel-adventure-treasure hunt series where hot and sexy celebrities travel all over the globe, wearing not very many clothes, trying to hunt down the multi-millionaires who made their millions, then jumped ship and left us all to the fate they made for us. I'm thinking the combination of celebrity hotness, minimal clothing, exotic tax-haven locations and potential vengeance will keep viewers glued to their seats.
So there we have them, my humble offerings for 2009 unto the gods and goddesses of reality TV. As always, I am ever hopeful they will smile upon me with their radiant smiles and their bountiful chequebooks.
After all, isn't it at times like these we need to put a smile on our faces? Isn't it at times like these we need reality TV to see us through our sea of troubles? I mean, it's got to be good for something, at some stage, doesn't it?
