KEY POINTS:
I worry about Australia. Not, obviously, in the sense that I worry about my children's future. Nor in the way that I sometimes worry about what all those unemployed former Labour MPs will do now or even how I sometimes worry about Marcus Lush for no other reason than I think someone should.
No, I worry about Australia because I have a sneaking suspicion they are preparing to invade us. And I mean "invade" in the military sense, not just in a cultural sense by sending us more television soap operas or unwanted series of McLeod's Daughters. I mean your actual military invasion with guns and shooting and the hated five-star flag of Australia flying above the Beehive.
The reason I think Australia may be about to do this dirty deed (done dirt cheap) upon us has nothing to do with them being jealous of our spectacular scenery or our status as the official home of Middle Earth or even our national rugby team which can whip the shorts off their rugby team. It is not even because they are jealous of our shiny, brand new National government.
No, the reason Australia craves New Zealand is simple: it is because Australia is becoming basically uninhabitable. With the global-warming drying up all the water, think of Australia like a giant sand pizza, with only the crust round the outside being edible, so this is where all the people have to live - on the crust. And the sand is spreading outwards. Then throw into the mix the thousands of species of Australian animals that can kill you if you so much as say "g' day" to them, who are also trying to live on (or near) this crust.
Crocodiles, sharks, spiders, snakes, Queensland real-estate developers, jellyfish, mosquitoes, weird toads that are fatally hallucinogenic if you lick them; the list is endless and seems to be getting more endless every year.
All it takes is for two or three of these lethal species to start working together to actively decimate the human population and Australia will, basically, become uninhabitable for bipedal hominids with names like Kylie and Bruce.
Sooner or later, someone in charge of stuff over in Australia is going to realise this and will get together with their powerful mates in their bush-fire proof, deadly-animal-resistant, underground command bunker to figure out what to do about this state of affairs.
Then, after everyone's had a few cans of Fosters, someone will say "you know, mate, there's a lovely little place not far from here that's there for the taking, don't you, mate?" And then there will be a few moments of confusion because, being a room full of Australians and therefore not the ripest mangoes on the tree, everyone else will think he's talking about Tasmania.
Eventually, after a few more Fosters, things will get sorted out and the idea will take hold and will, inevitably, become irresistible. The thing that will be most irresistible to these Australian warlords won't be our spectacular scenery or our abundance of water that falls from the sky two or three times a day in places like Auckland.
Even our lack of lethal wildlife won't be the driving factor behind their invasion plans. Instead, it will be the realisation that we can't do a bloody thing to stop them, which will fuel their expansionist desires.
Sure we'll put up a bit of a fight, like the plucky battlers we are, but Australia has way more troops than us and they have planes and tanks and missiles and military stuff that actually works, so we will inevitably get our butts kicked. They have submarines - how can we possibly defeat a nation that has submarines? We're dog tucker and they know it.
The empty beer can of our futile resistance will inevitably be crushed against the steely forehead of Australian imperialism. And it would do no good us calling out to the United States for help because they all think we're part of Australia anyway, so it'd be like "this is a domestic issue for the Australians to deal with as part of their commitment to the War on Terror".
Suddenly we'd be the bad guys and the fat Sheila would be singing "Whole Lotta Rosie" for a free New Zealand. I figure the invasion will start soon, with many Australian commando troops sneaking into New Zealand undercover, disguised as gay men and lesbians from Paddington, coming over for the Kylie Minogue concert.
Once here they will blend in with the population and heinously prepare the ground for the invasion, which will probably come during the Christmas holidays when everyone is away camping.
Am I paranoid? Am I deluded? Or have I just alerted the world to a frighteningly real possibility?
All I will say is: New Zealand, you have been warned.
