'If it feels right, then do it'

Kathy Garden's husband, Bob, died from a brain tumour in March 1999, leaving her with two sons - Robbie, aged 14, and Christopher, 12 - and a vastly different picture of their future.

The tragedy prompted a huge reassessment of her attitude to work and life, says Garden, Manukau City Council's strategic development director.

The 43-year-old - whose career has ranged from gaining a PhD in electrical engineering at Canterbury University to stints with Fletcher and the Ministry of Research, Science and Technology - had global opportunities galore.

But family came first, and she opted for a job "closer to the community".

Garden, quick to laugh and evidently a fast-twitch sort of personality, says she feels she is surfacing again now, but adds that her reassessment of work and life after losing her husband has given an ongoing sense of perspective.

"Before, I would have had an over-inflated sense of how important it is to dedicate all my time and effort to work-related things," she admits. "[Now,] it's a greater ability to set priorities and assign time and just say, 'No, I'm not going to do that'."

Guilt, she says, "has been written off the script. It's absolutely pointless feeling guilty. I do have a never-look-back philosophy".

"There's never a right time to have children. You never can be completely sure you're making the right career decision. You have to make your decision, stick with it, and make the best of it."

Even if that meant, in her university days, putting a baby to sleep in a computer box in her office with a monitor attached.

How has working influenced her parenting? "You learn how to handle people, how they think, and that emotional issues are sometimes best left alone, that sometimes situations resolve themselves.

"You don't have to be the one in charge all the time. Sometimes you have to create an environment for things to sort themselves out."

Garden's hours can be "awful", with council meetings keeping her at work two evenings a week, sometimes three, even four.

Garden's stress relief? "Making lists is very soothing. I never actually look at the lists ever again but it gives you a feeling of being in control."

A high income, however, can buy her time in the form of homehelp. Garden's family are also out of regular child-care range, but the boys are cared for when their mum has evening meetings by a teachers' college student who acts as their tutor-cum-mentor. Links with local families - the Gardens live on the rural fringe of Howick - are important.

Socially, she says, her sons benefit from having a working mum: she has noticed an absence of "sexist assumptions" in their play with both boys and girls.

An overarcing motto? "Be bold and resolute."

A mentor from her university days, says Garden, gave her more succinct advice: "Never apologise, never explain. When you're balancing your own life you don't have to. If it feels right then you do it."