Dialogue: We've got far too tough on our men

By CHRISTINE RANKIN

As Father's Day clicked past last week I'm sure many families went through the rituals of gift-giving and making a fuss of father. So often we discuss the role of women and mothers, yet not so often do we consider fathers' role.

I have been giving some thought to this as I have listened to a friends' pain at the prospect of becoming a weekend father, having invested hugely in the life of his three children.

There is no doubt that life has changed markedly for many men over the past 10 years or so. As women have demanded their place in the scheme of things, inevitably mens worlds have turned upside-down - and rightly so many would say.

Men had it all their way for a long time. It was going to change, like it or not. Women demanded it, society demanded it - but have we gone too far.

I don't believe it is easy for men these days to find their place. They are expected to provide on all fronts. Women have been doing that for years.

But as the role of women has changed so have many of the things that they have been willing to do. Women have asserted their place and been clear about sharing responsibility in whatever guise.

However, is our view of men still overly influenced by the traditional stereotype of the abandoned women and irresponsible man?

I have first-hand experience in so many ways of women abandoned by men who simply won't recognise their responsibilities or do not have the skills to do so. This remains true of many men, but we cannot assume that all men behave in this way.

My experience in my peer group is that the demands on men are very high. Earning very good salaries with excellent benefits, they are a strong source of provision for their families.

Domestically the role is also full, often assuming the full care of the children before and after work, responsibilities for many household tasks and full immersion at the weekends with sports, entertainment and discipline.

I have also seen, despite extreme devotion, that when a marriage fails the man loses in so many ways. Almost inevitably he loses his children; the Family Court sees to that.

The man seems to have to mount a far more persuasive case than the woman. He pays in every way and continues to pay. He can find himself in that invidious position where paying becomes a mark of devotion to the children and sometimes a point of manipulation. This is because he feels vulnerable and it can damage the quality of the relationship.

We all agree that it is healthy for children to have fathers who are interested and involved with them and make them feel loved and secure. That makes for a more rounded mature human being. We cannot put our fathers into positions where, despite their best endeavours, it is extremely difficult for them to act in this way.

Just as women can't be superhuman, neither can men.

We need balance in all things, and it seems to me that the scale has tipped too far.

Perhaps we have to think more deeply about roles and responsibilities, especially where a relationship fails.

As women have complained about areas, such as health, in which their priorities have been diminished, this is a comparable area for men.

We should not be punishing the men who take responsibility, who do have an active parenting role and who just happen to have money.

I would never suggest that men shouldn't support their children, but they should also have real access and a strong continuing role in their children's lives.

Relationships can be tenuous, complicated things. As people, we get it wrong and it doesn't always work out.

Both parents should share that burden, as both no doubt contribute to the final outcome.

I believe we must find a way to moderate the situation and to reach that middle ground on which we all know the limits.