Dialogue: Watch it if your ears start to burn

In about 1995 I used to get terribly excited whenever my mobile phone rang - back then for me it was still a novelty.

I particularly liked when it rang in a public place, a restaurant, a bar or cafe.

I'd always press the answer button a little later than was necessary so everyone in a 10m radius would know I was popular, that I had friends, a busy life or a string of admirers for whom enormous toll bills were no impediment to saying "Hi."

Despite my predilection for appearing publicly popular, though, I've never (touch wood) had my phone go off in a cinema or theatre. I was once out with a friend, Melanie (not her real name), when she was rung mid-movie.

Much to my embarrassment, she not only answered the phone, she chatted far and beyond just saying, "Can't talk, bye."

If that wasn't enough, she kept it on and it rang two more times, each caller enjoying the ensuing chat.

Now, Melanie is not a brain surgeon and she was not guiding a novice doctor through a tricky lobotomy, which could have been forgiveable. No, she is just a regular Jo who never read the etiquette section of her mobile manual.

Needless to say, I'll never go to a film with her again and not because I'm jealous that she received three calls in two hours - it's just there are some things you know not to do.

You don't flirt outrageously with the groom at weddings, you do not borrow a man's razor without asking and you do not answer your phone during a film if you're stupid enough to have left it on.

These days, however, I'm more blase about appearing popular. Instead of getting terribly excited when I'm rung, I worry about irradiating my brain.

My phone can turn into quite a heater when it's been in use for more than five minutes, which makes me wonder if there's some truth to the scaremongers' claims that it's safer to put your head in a microwave than to put your ear near a mobile phone.

For a while I thought my friend Stuart had the right idea when he started using an earplug-microphone arrangement to protect the precious contents of his skull from being cooked. He reckons that, despite the phone company getting lots of his money, it shouldn't be able to fry his brains into the bargain.

How do I tell him the latest news that claims earplugs might be more dangerous than conventional use, the wire believed to provide a more direct feed from the phone to the ear?

Most studies won't confirm that cellphones are harmless or claim that they're safe, yet there are some big suits being filed in the United States against phone companies by users who have developed brain tumours.

One of the lawyers involved, Peter Angelos, has a reputation for taking big cases, having helped win billions of dollars for clients from tobacco and asbestos companies. He said he wouldn't take part in the phone litigation unless he could be 90 per cent confident of victory and, where there's smoke like him, there could well be fire.

If phones do turn out to be injurious, will I be able to return to a life without being instantly contactable?

The knowledge that I can be reached day or night for fun and games is a pretty compelling reason to keep talking - not to mention that we're all being lured into talking longer and longer with free minutes, competitive call plans and, for some people, someone else paying the bill.

My phone company is now so eager to roast me it sent a letter offering a free upgrade (conditions apply). I'm even contemplating accepting the gift since my old phone suffered an unfortunate dunking.

I've been promised a choice of colours, digital, of course, and so small I won't even know it's clipped to my belt. Hello, I am not clipping a phone to my belt. The models on offer play a range of classical and popular tunes but still no option to have it scream, "Hey, dork, answer your phone."

The great news is all I have to do for this new phone is to sign on with the network for the rest of my life.

Sometimes I wonder if, when you just want to say "Hi," it would be easier to put it on paper and just post it?