Dialogue: Rosy glow in vision of family is fading

Once again, the family unit is being hailed as the hallowed building-block of society, as the panacea for all our woes.

Certainly, the warm and fuzzy attributes of a classic fairy-tale family - while somewhat cliched - cannot be derided. On the surface, the typical family unit - mum, dad, two kids and a dog - is an idyllic dream that conjures up images of rowdy roast chicken dinners on Sundays, autumn walks on a breezy beach and heated squabbles across the Monopoly board.

But beneath that veneer families can be far more sinister than the average television commercial would suggest.

The horrors that can go on behind the closed doors of some households would make a Jerry Springer show look like a stroll in the park.

Violence and incest are two of the most extreme, unpalatable events that can occur within family units.

In these situations, the whole family connection not only renders these crimes more insidious but makes it even more difficult for the victim to seek meaningful help.

And let's not forget, just a short time ago, domestic violence was widely considered to be the exclusive business of the beater and the beaten. And remember when a husband's rape of his wife was legally non-existent unless they were separated?

Many lives have been damaged for the sake of preserving the image of a nice little nuclear family unit.

Even now in these supposedly enlightened times the number of couples staying together "for the sake of the kids" is significant. It's as if parents truly believe their children would rather have a mum and dad miserable under the same roof than fulfilled and happy under separate ones. Such is the power of the family myth.

Politicians make much of family values, and no wonder. After all, a neat and tidy unit where everyone has their prescribed role as either main wage-earner or main child-rearer is no doubt an effective way to keep a society in control. It's a convenient method of making as many of us as possible fit a certain pigeonhole.

And what's more, while we have our key roles and responsibilities, we are all too busy to be plotting a revolution or thinking up some weirdo cult.

A family keeps everyone where they should be and also provides a small but powerful cluster of people around each member to ensure the expectations are met.

No one is going to run off to join a circus when there are children, a mortgage, a station-wagon, a budgerigar and a stainless-steel, double-drawer dishwasher to take care of.

A family unit is a societal prescription for a way of living into which many of us tend to drift unthinkingly.

It's not just politicians who rub their hands in glee at this, but marketers and advertising people can more accurately predict trends and demands while we all blindly follow the family way.

It keeps us orderly and predictable. Even if were truly comfortable there, let's not forget that it is only a system and it is only one way of living a life.

The family model is based on a series of assumptions, of rules that must be followed. To fit the model ideally, you must be heterosexual and monogamous, you must be willing to settle down and you must have children.

So by its very nature, it does not suit everyone.

As the rosy glow surrounding the concept of a family fades, friends are playing an increasingly important role in our lives.

This is reflected in the television programmes on our screen. The Waltons, The Brady Bunch and The Partridge Family have been usurped by Friends, Seinfeld and Sex and the City, where children and parents do not really feature.

The word family is often used to engender good feelings of warmth and wholesomeness. Where would our language be without the terms "family values" and "family restaurants?"

Social conditioning and conventional wisdom have led us to mindlessly associate this word with positive values.

But surely it's dangerous to assume automatically that a family is, by definition, nurturing and loving. We all know of examples where quite the opposite is true.

* Shelley Bridgeman is an Auckland writer.