Dialogue: Phone etiquette plan is essential

By SANDY BURGHAM

I'm known for my rude phone manner. Apparently, when I answer the phone I have a "this better be good" undertone to my greeting.

This goes against good sales and marketing practice. Indeed, I have coached others on how to be more professional on the phone. But I have chosen to challenge the caller to be really riveting in order to soften me up.

People have from time to time said, "Change your phone message - you sound really brassed off" or "Gee, are you okay?" I can't bear comments like the latter. They are about as patronising as when people say, "Hey smile - it can't be that bad."

At least I don't have that annoying habit of the hey-it's-all-fun-and-games-in-this-office brigade who choose to answer the phone laughing at an office joke: "Hahahahaha ... oh, sorry, um hello."

Or those afflicted with the I'm-so-busy-here-in-sales syndrome who pick up the phone before finishing up with someone else: " ... yeah, that's exactly right ... Hello?"

Besides, the old rules of phone etiquette have been replaced by a contemporary mandate, which includes far more pressing issues than a cheery greeting. The new rules of phone etiquette revolve around a simple, four-point pledge.

First, one must stop the compulsion to track people down. If their landline is engaged, don't barge through to their mobile, only to say, "Are you on the other line?"

I am sick of being tracked down, since the hunter's issue is almost never urgent.

Working from home one day, I chose to ignore the home line ringing. Seconds later, my home office line rang.

Finishing a crucial paragraph on the laptop, I let the phone switch to voicemail, after which my handbag started ringing.

Unable to resist this sense of urgency, I tore through the dark abyss of my bag, Lotto tickets and Eftpos receipts strewn everywhere, just managing to get the call within the five-ring window of opportunity

"Hello," I panted.

"Hi, it's me," said a friend.

"Was that you on the other two lines?"

"Yeah."

"So, everything okay?" I asked.

"Sure, just ringing up for a chat. Can you ring me back on the landline?"

Aaaarggh.

The second rule is to always leave a message. If you're a mystery caller who refuses to talk to an answerphone or feels uncomfortable about it, make no mistake: you're a dinosaur, get with the programme.

The third phone etiquette rule covers my personal weakness: try to have just the one conversation at one time. Thus, resist answering the mobile when on landline and vice versa.

"Hang on - I just have to get this," we say if the other phone rings. And it's not because it could be Bin Laden telling us his whereabouts, but because, like Pavlov's dogs, we have an auto-response problem.

Last week, my friend David rang me on a landline and during his call to me took three calls on his mobile, two of which ended up being a mini-sales pitch for a product he is selling.

The same point covers succumbing to the scourge of the call-waiting function, which enables some multi-taskers to juggle three calls at once. All of this simply indicates to your caller, "Although I have no idea who that other call could be from, whoever it is will be far more important than you".

Fourth, turn phones off during meetings. One may be excused if it's informal and there are babysitters involved, but for all other occasions, just consider this: who on earth do you think you are?

Every time I have been in a meeting where someone's phone starts vibrating in their pants and they say apologetically, "Sorry, but I really need to take this", I have eavesdropped, only to find they are talking drivel in hushed tones: "Hello? Okay, I'll pick some up on the way home. Is there any wine in the fridge? ... okay ... I am in a meeting ... bye".

Thus from this day forward, I will be seizing back control of my life from the phone companies by adopting the four-point phone etiquette plan. Of course it does mean I must surrender the words "better go - the other phone's going" and might have to revert to the more honest "I'm bored now. Bye".

But if it starts a trend then maybe we can live in a world where funeral celebrants don't have to begin the solemnities by asking, "Can you all now ensure cellphones are switched off" for fear of catching someone whispering, "Look, I can't talk right now - I'm mourning."