Dialogue: Of dark clouds and rainbows

By ELISABETH EASTHER

Writing a column isn't easy. Some days I can barely see beyond my own nose and the only things in my head have been unprintable, too personal or inappropriate.

Some weeks I've wished I had a stack of spares up my sleeve so I could have filed something general, written on a good day, about nothing in particular.

Of course I didn't write those extra columns. More often than not I'd write something, throw it in the trash and start again - my deadline looming and no real idea of what I was going to write or expected to say.

Once I wanted to write about an article I read in the Sydney Morning Herald. It claimed that depression was more common than asthma and I thought, "Yep, I'd believe that."

But it's hard to just come out and say, "Me, too," because when someone asks, "How are you?" the answer they're expecting is, "I'm fine." But let me say it: "Me, too."

Even when things are going well I get depressed and, of course, I wouldn't normally mention it.

Besides, what do I have to complain about, anyway?

Apparently, Sporty Spice suffers from clinical depression. As the only really talented member of the Spice Girls you'd think she'd be happy enough - she's rich, selling albums, living it large.

How good does a person have to have it before they're satisfied?

Yet at the same time, I understand her predicament. For me, the dark clouds are often present, except for the moments of Zen joy I stumble into from time to time.

Unnameable dread, that's what it is - not that something will necessarily go wrong, but perhaps just that nothing will change or the things that I try to do won't work. Or the things that I think I want aren't in my future.

What if I've peaked or scaled all the heights I'll ever know?

So, that's my dilemma. I'm almost too ashamed to write about it, but sometimes when I sit down to compose this column I can barely find anything to say beyond: "I'm scared and I don't know what to do." Up until now, I've always managed to fake something, but today it's this or nothing.

There it is, out from under my rug where I sweep it: I get depressed.

I imagine everyone does, to varying degrees. Now that everyone knows, though, the question is what do I do? I'd love some help to make it go away, but I don't know where I'd get it.

Also, I really don't know if I believe that talking to someone would make whatever it is that bothers me go away.

I don't want to take prescription drugs, for no other reason than that I just don't like the idea. That is no value judgment on people who do: I'm sure they're very helpful for some people, but for me, I'm just not keen.

I do know in my heart of hearts that everything will be all right and worrying won't help, regardless of what's in store. But I do worry, and if I can't stop it, I suppose it would be worth trying to understand it or to come to terms with it.

I know there is more suffering in the world than I could ever know in a nightmare. I live in the First World, enjoy the freedom to go wherever I please and often do, I have enough to eat (sometimes too much) and lots of people love me, which I know is good.

As for the few times my heart's been broken, I consider it to have been character-building. In fact, looking at it like that, I already feel a little bit better. But, still, the question has to be asked: why do so many people get depressed?

It can't be normal, can it? Or useful for the species?

My sister-in-law, Jojo, says that ever since she became pregnant she's been in a great mood - no ups and downs, just lovely, mellow days. She wonders if that's how it is for normal people - if, of course, there is any such thing. Are most people drawing a veil over their down moments?

The thing is, I don't feel depressed all the time and I know now that the mood always passes.

I envy those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, and for those of you who do, perhaps it's nice to know you're not alone.

Right now, I'm sorting out my life in preparation for my big OE, and it occurred to me that I've seen a tremendous number of rainbows recently.

Is that just because it rains a lot in Auckland?

Or is there a pot of gold out there somewhere?