Dialogue: Modern attitudes will kill romance

Romance is a casualty of a world intent on instant gratification. It's time to bring it back, writes TAMSIN GEORGE.

Whatever happened to good old-fashioned courting? And what does it mean when you are being asked out on dates via text messaging?

I am newly dating, and kind of loving it, but mostly confused by the apparent lack of romance in the world.

It seemed that within days of breaking up with my boyfriend, the word was out and the dates, via texties, flowed in. Why, oh why, can't they just pick up the phone and ask me out?

I asked my friend for some advice. Now, he said, those who had lusted after or liked me would be coming out of the woodwork.

A girl needs to be good at spotting the genuine boys among the dodgy ones. According to my friend, the biggest deterrent for vultures is the old time-delay tactic. When your intentions aren't genuine and there's a delay, it is tactical to move on.

It seems, however, that in our consumption-based society everything is demanded in an instant, including sex. We are so desensitised that it is all right to have casual sex. It is almost admirable.

I have many single girlfriends who cannot be bothered with the whole relationship thing, so they have a man or two whom they sleep with.

After all, in this day and age, we are career-driven, independent women. We don't need a man. We earn good salaries to support ourselves, we have girlfriends who more than amply provide emotional support, we have male friends to provide us with innocent flirtations and manly support and advice, and guys to just ... well, perform in bed.

So in that respect it doesn't matter if some of those guys are dodgy. I guess the trick is to weed them out and find one who is worth keeping, someone who can perform. And, really, what am I doing thinking about becoming involved in a relationship again?

Perhaps it is this kind of attitude that is killing good old-fashioned romance.

I would like to think I could do the casual sex thing. It would have to be a brief affair, and I wouldn't really want to get to know the guy too well in case I developed feelings for him.

But then again, the whole idea of stranger sex is a bit clumsy and a bit risky in this STD age. So I don't think I will go down that road.

Bring back good old-fashioned courting, I say. Bring back the dinner dates, the flowers, the picnics.

Let's slow down our fast-paced society and take things one day at a time.

My problem in my last relationship was definitely too much, too soon. There really wasn't much room for it to grow. We managed to cram a good couple of years' worth of relationship into seven months. And we crashed and burned.

Why do most modern dates revolve around drinking? Liquor is our social lubricant. It lowers our inhibitions so we can talk to the person we like.

How much braver it is to date without alcohol.

We live in a fear-based society. We fear rejection so we text asking for a date, we get drunk on that date, and by the end of the night we are too drunk to go home with each other. It really is a sad state of affairs.

Then, when a decent guy does come along, we wonder what is wrong with him. I overheard a friend comment on how she was worried that this guy she had started dating didn't like her because he hadn't forced his way into her pants. Yet he would still call her and ask her out for coffee.

It is saying something about our modern society that this normal politeness and respect is considered unusual.

It is no wonder that a lot of guys are confused.

So we date, we get taken out to dinner, romanced and it brings nothing but trouble. There is no such thing as a free lunch. Nowadays a dinner date also holds more lurid connotations. Bring back good old-fashioned values.

The biggest problem with dating is the expectation. Must we really expect a relationship to form from dating? Dating is just that - a little interlude, getting to know someone, forming a friendship.

But our fears overrule us, and those of us who can't face being on their own hold on to the less than desirable options.

More importantly, if you are looking for a partner, you need time to get to know them.

* Tamsin George is a University of Auckland student.