Dialogue: Loosen family ties and the nation falls apart

By GERALD HADLOW*

I am certain that a great many people in this country share my thoughts at present. I am trying to cope with an imagination that conjures up deeply disturbing pictures of the last days and hours of the almost 2-year-old life of Hinewaioriki Karaitiana-Matiaha.

I am also experiencing the temptation to say and do nothing. Why? Because there will be those who will suggest that this should be no concern of mine and that this is strictly a Maori issue.

What will be the effect of my silence? It can only be interpreted as Pakeha embarrassment and shame about Maori violence. Yet the root of the problem lies in Pakeha liberalism in all its nastiness.

Maori, no less than anyone else, live within the changing attitudes that influence so much of our national life. Because many Maori are disadvantaged they come into contact with others who share the same experiences of frustration, from powerlessness and unemployment.

Many eke out an existence on benefits that provide few of the good things they see others enjoying. Life within families affected in such a way is unlikely to produce people who have a burning desire for education, or a desire to seek out and grasp opportunity.

Part of my upbringing took place in an area of Britain that suffered appallingly during the 1930s Depression. The colliery areas of Durham were grim places in which to live.

The backdrop of a northern English winter - the streets icy, rain turning to sleet and barefooted children walking the pavements in front of dingy terraced houses - forms a picture in my mind that still haunts me.

The grey faces in the waiting room of my uncle's surgery and the incessant coughing of miners, many of whom suffered from the twin diseases of tuberculosis and silicosis, is another painful image I carry.

In that situation, as in ours, unemployment and poverty creates their own world that limits vision and forces people to exist within the narrow confines of frustration and anger.

No wonder, then, that the Geordie's vocabulary centred on the request for anaesthetic, "Gie us a broon," the translation of which is, "Barman, please provide me with a glass of brown ale." The anaesthetic served two purposes. It insulated the drinker from the grime, exhaustion and soul-destroying graft in the pit, as well as the wretchedness of the home to which he would have to return later in the evening.

While the two situations are similar, there are also differences. For all the pressures that existed in that English society, most families remained together. For all the poverty and deprivation, family life was surprisingly strong.

While there was a dreadful lack of material things, children were often well-nurtured. Coal was cheap and the houses were warm.

There were cases of neglect but my impression of hearing my uncle speak on many occasions was that there was little cruelty or abuse.

In our own country we have deliberately loosened the strong ties of family life. We have provided just enough support to ensure the proliferation of single parenthood.

At the same time, we have weakened the real support-base all children require. We have largely abandoned marriage as the only viable base for a functioning society.

The jury is no longer out. It is back with the verdict that the best we can do for our children is to bring them up within a strong and affirming family environment. Almost every statistic available points to the benefits to be derived from married family life.

The huge weight of evidence is irrefutable. However, there are those in our society who would seek to demolish marriage. Some are bent on expunging any legal definition of "husband" and "wife." There is a deafening silence from many of our Church leaders on the subject of stable marriage.

Increasingly, I come across many attitudes that seek to abandon the things that make for stable communities. Someone sent me a list of the attributes required by the politically impeccable. You have to believe that the possession of self-esteem has nothing to do with developing it through personal achievement.

You have to believe that the same teacher who was inept in teaching your 14-year-old daughter how to read is highly qualified to teach her about sex and to give her condoms without your permission or knowledge.

You have to believe that businesses create oppression and that governments create opportunity and prosperity.

You have to be totally against capital punishment but believe implicitly in abortion on demand.

You have to believe that Hero parades that put on public display every form of sexual excess, including sado-masochism, should be protected under the Bill of Rights Act but that manger scenes and hot cross buns should be illegal.

Finally, you have to believe that the terms "husband" and "wife" indicate a social construct which is sexually privileged in origin and which, thereby, demeans any other sexual relationship equally entitled to qualify as a marriage.

I am appalled at the fate that has befallen the little girl they nicknamed Lillybing. For God's sake, let us not seek to be shriven by the idea that her death is the responsibility of another culture.

* The Rev Gerald Hadlow, of Rotorua, is an Anglican priest.