Dialogue: Let's hear it for all the Arthurs and Sharons

By PATRICK GOWER

Hoon n. young ruffian; one of gang of young street roughs; often drives or travels in car that makes circles of city streets. As in: Arthur, a 49-year-old responsible citizen, said: "I am sick to death of these hoons running amok on our streets every Saturday night." [20th c.; orig. unkn] See also: hoodlum, hooligan and, more recently, bogan, boy-racer.

It is just so inflammatory. The mere mention of the word "hoon" or, even worse, its plural "hoons," arouses the ire of even the most placid community member.

You've read it all before - the angry lifelong city councillor, the enraged lifelong president of the local shopping centre improvement association, and the frustrated, yet affable and hardworking, lifelong member of the local constabulary.

Then there are of course the hoons themselves, who are not really hoons at all but, as they say, "just bored," and besides "it's a free country after all and as far as we heard it is not illegal to drive a car around."

Less well-known in all of this are those who get the ball rolling - such as both your lifelong neighbour and mine, 49-year-old Arthur, who got 39 signatures on that petition and, yes, he went all the way with it, getting it tabled at the local community board.

(Please note: do not confuse good old Arthur with his arch-rival, that nice thirty-something lady Sharon, who came by last year with that other petition to get a skatepark to give those other bored kids skating on the street "somewhere to go." Also make mental note not to mention to either Arthur or Sharon that you have signed both competing petitions.)

Apparently, there are hundreds of people like Arthur out there these days. While there is no strict scientific way of measuring it, I heard that there could be nearly as many punters like Arthur out there as there are hoons.

Hoons have apparently cut a swathe through the regions a bit like drought does. Everyone is getting their fair share and complaining like hell when they do.

These hoons have been getting even worse lately, and are now often referred to as a "plague" - or even a "nationwide problem."

Arthur then told me that in Hamilton, hooning has taken on foot-and-mouth proportions (he was in Britain on his OE during the last big scare in the 1960s), and as a precaution the council has finally taken the plunge and begun thinking about forming a war cabinet, or what it officially calls a "think-tank," to deal to the mongrels.

He said everyone knew hooning was caused by: attention-seeking youths; a combination of testosterone and wheels; and sheer boredom.

Arthur said a lot of people thought hooning could be cured through the tried-and-true youth activities group or by making them get some fresh air, but the council needed to know that the best solutions were: speedbumps, judder-bars, a good old-fashioned curfew, and giving parking wardens more power so that they can carry guns.

In Arrowtown, I told Arthur, they were going to open up the disused 126-year-old jail and show their local hoons what awaited them if they didn't behave.

Arthur told me the council was considering petitioning the Government to legislate against hoons. Because he reckoned it would probably become a clause under that new home invasion bill, he might make a submission that they add in the Arrowtown jail bit for everyone.

He then suggested I do it, describing one's first submission to the local community board as "like a rite of passage."

"That would put a chill up the spine of the young tearaways," said Arthur, suitably impressed by my obviously pointed remark. "They've just got far too much time on their hands, and a bit of time to think about what they're doing would do them good."

Hoon-hater n. self-styled responsible citizen who lives nearby; one of gang of concerned people who stand up and make submissions on things. ie. As in: Cory, the bored 16 1/2-year-old, said: "Guys like that hoon-hater Arthur need to realise there is not much else to do in this hole anyway." [21th c. orig. unkn] See also: prominent dogooder or that guy from down the road who writes all those letters to the paper.