Dialogue: Imagine if we had MPs who meant something

DON DONOVAN* says that if the names of British politicians like Blair and Thatcher can qualify for dictionary status, what about our lot?


The editors of The New Penguin English Dictionary have laboured long over the definition of Blairism, intended for inclusion in their next edition. And they appear to have hit on something that will explain a Labour Party you're having when you're not having a Labour Party.

While New Zealand politicians are hardly likely to give off enough energy to enter the world's lexicons, there have been one or two memorable local buzzwords associated with past performers. Rogernomics comes to mind. It meant a socialist economic volte face so farsighted and so likely to succeed that it scared David Lange witless.

A little harmless fun might be had speculating who might give rise to more neologisms:

Anderton: n. Doing an ... a modern form of Robin Hoodlumism, or robbing the perceived rich to give to the burgeoning poor. An Anderton is said to have been completed when all the rich have been rendered penniless and the people's bank is taken over by the Warehouse.

Bolger: n. An autobiography wherein the author never made a mistake. For example, "Mr Milosovic is said to be busy working on The Jamie Shea Years, the fourth volume of his Bolger."

Bradford: v. To Bradford ... to do very little or nothing while appearing to know very little or nothing. (This is a recent version of the verb Kopu which has fallen into disuse).

Bradfording should not be confused with the noun Bradmax, which is a catch-all for deregulation of any utility on the principle that costs will thereby be driven down. The reverse is the usual outcome.

Common usage typically follows the receipt of a power bill where the householder staggers slightly and mutters, "The ... have Bradmaxed me again."

Clarking: v. A pernicious form of creeping assumption exhibiting a fear of delegation. Thus a new minister will be appointed to take on only some of the duties of an old minister, while the chief executive will be keeping a Clarking brief.

To be Clarked, however, is to have lost your job for no concrete reason other than a general flakiness.

(Clarksville is a small fishing village up north where the whanau gathers to stroke homecomers' backs).

Creech: v. To speak without using vocal chords.

Donalds: n. Always used in the plural (like trousers) = a pair of braces.

Dunne: adj. adv. Lonely. "I wandered dunne as a cloud."

Fitsimonsism: n. A naive fantasy cult in which the smoke that comes from the exhaust pipes of the rusting cars of its adherents is beneficial as long as they only breathe it in themselves. (Often associated with disorientated people who find themselves somewhere they ought not to be).

Goff: v. Earnest deliberation followed by wise pronouncement. "The Minister of Foreign Affairs is expected to Goff today on New Zealand's diplomatic position on Indonesia, Fiji, Japanese whalers and aboriginal claims to the deep end of the swimming pool at Yulara's Desert Sands hotel."

Harre: n. A sense of impending doom. "The warning that the Alliance will seek to have two days' menstruation leave awarded to all working women, and that it will be permitted to be taken as an aggregated period of 24 days, cast a harre over the Canterbury Employers Association."

Hobbs: n. Church hassocks or over-filled cushions, often embroidered with bewildered smiley faces. A euphemism for harmless: "Oh, don't mind her, she's hobbs."

Horomia: n. Collective noun. A Horomia of Hope is a group of marginalised barefoot schoolchildren who missed a bus that wasn't going their way and make good use of the incident for the rest of their lives.

King: n. Expletive inserted into a speech in the debating chamber. Kings such as "bloody" are usually accompanied by fist thumping.

Lee: n. Type of hairdo resembling seaweed. If it's wet to the touch, it's probably going to rain. Dry, it's a good conductor of electricity.

Prebble: v. To perform a courageous act of provocation similar to throwing a pebble into still water and watching where the ripples will end up. This is usually done with a disingenuous smile and innocently raised eyebrows.

Samuels: n. A series of forgotten blemishes still faintly discernible under a strong light. Closely linked with the expression "doing a Dover," when somebody who has been politically white-anted and on his way out of the chamber confronts the architect of his downfall with an icy stare. This usually produces a slight smile and raised eyebrows (see Prebble, above).

Shipley: n. Typically the outcome of a cathartic event which requires the victim to lose weight and get fit. A Shipley should lead not just to briefly going on a diet but to a whole new modus vivendi. Somebody who has successfully gone for a Shipley usually reappears in public slimmed down and with a facial expression of unruffled tranquillity.

Interestingly, there is a strong link between a Shipley and "gone for a Burton," which used to be Air Force slang for dying in action but is now associated with a quaint, rather boring provincial practice of getting married to and staying with the same spouse for a lifetime and bringing up children in trouble-free respectability.

Simich: n. Hiding. As in "the former Minister of Police has been unheard of for a considerable period; it is suspected that he might have gone into simich."

Tanczos: n. A brief pyrotechnic event similar to a damp squib. (The United States space programme has experienced a number of Nandors). Also Nandor: n. a failed iconoclast who inhales but doesn't feel that others have to unless they really, really want to.

Upton: adj. Smooth, logical and reasonable. "When I grow up I'm going to be upton and kind to animals, too."

Maggie Thatcher, because of her tenacity, bloody-mindedness, singleness of purpose and longevity was probably the worthiest qualifier for dictionary status. Thatcherism and Thatcherite are well established and clearly understood. Insignificantly pale against her as he may be, one perennial New Zealand politician deserves, more than any other, entry into the dictionary.

Petersism: n. Might be defined as a philosophy of pious spoliation at the electorate's expense, for surely nobody has cost this country more in pyrrhic litigation than Winston Raymond Peters. Beyond that, a devilish or even impish grin accompanied by rapid blinking might be termed Petersist adj. and Petersistence n. A talent for survival based on the belief that you can fool a lot of the people long enough to get back into Parliament for yet another term.

* Don Donovan is an Auckland writer.