Dialogue: Eee by gum, what's up with them Windsors?

By SANDY BURGHAM

The Poms, or Brits as they are now referred to in more politically correct circles, have been responsible for some of the world's most enduring entertainment - the most captivating of which is Coronation Street, whose unflagging popularity has warranted the folk on the street their very own Easter egg (a chocolate Rovers Return).

Then there is the other long-running British soap, which has a similar mix of characters spanning generations but an even longer history. And that is the Royal House of Windsor. Unfortunately, it has slipped in the ratings and may be axed in a few seasons because of weak storyline and poor character development.

In the 90s the Windsors enjoyed a short-term boost when they went through a saucy stage - toe-sucking frolics, cutesy nicknames and kinky sexual fantasies of the upper-class-twit variety. While all the action was caught on film or tape by nasty wags, the revelations were so entertaining it gave the royals front-page pulling power.

But now it's all got a bit boring. And in an age in which the Duchess of York is juggling a role as a frontperson for Weight Watchers with standing in as an American talkshow host, it's very hard to take them seriously as a royal family who justify our attention, let alone our adulation.

It's not really their fault, since they are simply sheltered rich people and their primary role is not to entertain. But when the public loses interest in their goings-on, their purpose becomes all the more unclear.

It was the Sophie, Countess of Wessex, debacle that did it for me. For a start I wondered how convincing could someone be when masquerading as a wealthy Arab sheikh? Doesn't she do any research on her potential clients? Did she not get an instinctive feeling that this could be a Candid Camera moment?

But the real revelation of how out of touch members of the royal road show really are came when she was later interviewed by the gutter press.

The Queen and her youngest son were allegedly furious; Sophie had already lost the chairmanship of her own firm, and our very own Simon Walker had been publicly used as a whipping boy. Cor! This must be really hot, I thought as I eagerly read the transcript supplied by a women's magazine.

But talk about a storm in my commemoration teacup. The interview served only to show that the Royal Family is probably the most boring family ever to have existed, and this is in spite of its well-publicised dysfunctions. We've probably got more juicy scandals and fascinating dynamics in our quiet suburban cul-de-sac.

The fact is, Sophie gave an honest, if tremendously dull, interview. So what if her husband is or isn't gay? If he were, at least that would make them a more interesting couple.

While members of the Royal Family will blame the media, they seem only too willing to play the media game, even if they lose every time. This is not the poor old Queen's fault. As the Anglo-Saxon female equivalent of Pu Yin, how is she supposed to know how we commoners think?

The fault lies with those various layers of communications and press staff they employ, who simply don't get it. These palace officials, whoever they are, continue to market the Windsors to a bunch of die-hard royalists, the numbers of whom must be getting very thin on the ground. Very soon the audience will be a generation of take-it-or-leave-it types like me who have rather more liberal and realistic attitudes.

I admire confidence and a little normality in my royals and so was interested in the visit of the Queen of Denmark, who not only chatted to the media but shamelessly smoked. Despite the controversy and bad role modelling, at least she was honest, not bowing to the obligation of a fabricated image. Can you imagine the Queen sipping wine during her Christmas speech?

And what about poor old William, whose PR buffoons released highly staged photos of him on his Patagonian working holiday so he looked like a Sound of Music dropout looking longingly at the hills.

A onetime royal watcher, I now find the Windsors have lost the plot and are becoming increasingly dull. I imagine that next Easter they'll commission their own chocolate Easter egg, which I'll break open to find nothing at all.