Dialogue: Ballad of the coal miner's daughter

By GORDON McLAUCHLAN

She was only a coal-miner's daughter

But now holds the nation enthralled

Scrubbing our dirtiest linen

In public; I sit here appalled.


I wonder who's running the country

As it slides down the slippery slope;

If they can't handle staff with discretion,

When it really gets tough, can they cope?


She was only a coal-miner's daughter,

From her ears bits of jewellery dangle,

But she's got Steve Maharey and other

Government gits in a tangle.


Enclosed in back rooms with the door shut

They waggled their fingers and ranted;

Sexist they were, so she said on the stand,

And her anger, as promised, decanted.


She was only a coal-miner's daughter

Who just loves a bit of a knees-up,

But a couple of days as a witness

And a troika of blokes have the

breeze up.


They have laughed and poked fun at our lady

And sneered at her clothes, What a mess!

They forgot in their joyful derision

That her fuse is as short as her dress.


She was only a coal-miner's daughter

And the bully boys thought, she's the pits!

But now that it's all in the open

She's scoring some memorable hits.


So who is this woman attacking the blokes

At the heart of our Administration?

I'll tell you the story of how she has risen

To her present, prominent station.


She was only a coal-miner's daughter,

A bit of a waif and a stray,

Who started her life down in Blackball,

Her dad underground for his pay.


He'd set off each day down the mine shaft,

Not knowing how deep he would be,

But dogged he was that the family

Get his girl off the DPB.


She was only a coal-miner's daughter

But as bright as the front of Dad's hat,

And nothing would keep her in Blackball

She'd made up her mind about that.


She thought about joining a circus,

Preferably one with three rings,

Her talent, you see, was for showbiz

For holding high-spending wingdings.


She was only a coal-miner's daughter

But the coalface was not in her plan,

So she opted instead for the welfare,

Despite her hard-working old man.


It's a marvel she made it to Greymouth,

Given a dad down the mine,

But clever she was and ambitious,

And her earrings were top of the line.


She was only a coal-miner's daughter

But got off the benefit soon,

And the capital lured her to fortune,

The taxpayers' stockpile a boon.


So here she was, back into welfare,

But not on a benefit now;

This time she would use Work and Income

For a strategy-training cash-cow.


She was only a coal-miner's daughter

A spendthrift but selfless, a dear,

Who'd spend more on training one worker

Than unmarried mums get in a year.


While beneficiaries barter

And fossick around in the bins,

They're partying down there at Welfare

And proving again Who Dares Winz.


She was only a coal-miner's daughter

But she struck a gold reef they call Tax.

Eureka! she cried, let's go training,

And to hell with the whinging of hacks.


She's come a long way up from Blackball,

And, credit where credit is due,

At spending the moolah of others,

She's out on her own, fronts the queue.


She was only a coal-miner's daughter

As smart as consultants can make her,

Distributing largess to minions,

A Government once keen to stake her.


But now they just want to get rid of

This tough-talking girl who fights back,

And, oh how they wish she'd go quietly

As they sit there, red-faced, taking flak.