Dialogue: And after a People's Bank, let's have the people's ...

By WILLY TROLOVE*

I don't know about you, but I've been searching for a bank for the better part of six months now. The fact that I haven't been able to find one suggests that either I've been looking in the wrong place or there is no such thing as a bank any more.

Either way, Jim's excellent proposal to build a People's Bank makes me all tingly at the extremities.

If a businessman were setting up a new bank, he would probably consult someone who knew a bit about banking - a banker, for example, or maybe a bank robber or perhaps even Michael Fay.

But this is clearly not in the spirit of the People's Bank. Instead, we are going to consult the people who know best, namely Helen and that fiery little fellow who follows her around and reckons he's running the economy.

Our plans are well advanced. The People's Bank will have a number of branches staffed by real, live people. While this will come as a shock to the banking industry, customers should eventually warm to the idea.

After all, some of them will remember when we had Post Offices dotted around the country. Post Offices were places staffed by real, live people where you could buy stamps, do your banking and send telegrams (as long as you turned up after 9.30 am, before 3.30 pm and did your best to avoid lunchtimes, morning tea, afternoon smoko or any of the intervening periods).

So you won't be surprised to learn that the new bank will be run by the Post Office. Of course, it's not called the Post Office any more, it's called NZ Post, just in case you were wondering what the heck all those reforms of the past 15 years were all about.

The new bank will, therefore, be called something like - I don't know - Postbank. Yes, we did have a Postbank at one stage.

No, I'm not sure what we did with it. I have a feeling we used it as a down payment on a frigate. No, I'm not sure why. Maybe it was losing money. Or maybe Ruth Richardson got rid of it just to annoy people. Yes, I know, she was like that.

Anyway, the important thing to remember is that the People's Bank will put people first.

This means that there won't be any bank fees. Well, there probably will be bank fees, but they will be so cleverly disguised that by the time they come out of your income tax you won't notice a thing.

We had a banking system like this once before. It was called the BNZ, a nice little earner on a drip feed from the consolidated fund. It paid for a couple of Sir Michael Fay's yachts and we still managed to sell it to the Australians at a handsome little loss.

Putting people first will also improve service. Bank service is appalling. You might remember, at some stage in the past, walking into a bank. There would always be several windows open and no queues until you started to fill in your bank slip, whereupon a large group of mysterious older persons would suddenly appear out of nowhere clutching bags of coins. Inexplicably, they would start queuing without filling in deposit slips.

Panicking as the number of older persons increased exponentially, you would botch up your bank slip and have to start again. By the time you had finished, all but one of the windows had closed and the tellers had dispersed into the background to discuss their weekends with Trevor or to download pornography off the Internet.

In front of you, queuing for the only teller, would be 20 people with blue hair.

"I'm sorry dear, I forgot to fill out a deposit slip," the first older person in line would say.

"That's no problem, ma'am, let me talk you through it."

You would groan. The headache you had last month would suddenly return with its friends and a large sound system.

All this will change in the People's Bank. Those shirking tellers will be out the front, still discussing their weekends with Trevor or downloading pornography, but at the same time expertly transferring all your savings to untraceable Swiss bank accounts.

But that's not all. Once we've got the People's Bank up and running, we will start work on the People's Telecommunications Company, the People's Airline and, for good measure, the People's Railway.

And because we are the People's Government we're always searching for good ideas. If you have any, jot them down on the back of an envelope and drop it in at any Post Office. If you can find one.

* Willy Trolove is an Auckland freelance writer.