Deborah Coddington: Talking turkey on stuff-ups and overcooked exposure

Celebrity chefs Al Brown (L) and Steve Logan take the 'not them again' award. Photo / Wairarapa Times-Age

Yes I know every other columnist is handing out awards, but you try penning 700 coherent words when the turkey's waiting to be stuffed, the ham's to be glazed, the lawns need mowing, friends and family will soon descend on me, and the floors haven't been washed (no, I don't have a cleaner). So without further angst, here are the highly subjective and totally irrational DC awards for 2009.

The "if it looks like doggie-doos and smells like doggie-doos, you'd better not taste it" award for journalism goes to the Listener's Jolisa Gracewood.

Sent Witi Ihimaera's novel, The Trowenna Sea, to review, Gracewood sensed some of the passages didn't quite fit with the rest of the novel's writing style. Gracewood did some further investigation and discovered the reason why. The story then exploded into a travesty of either plagiarism, or imitation being the sincerest form of flattery - take your pick.

In any event, come the next serious journalism awards, both Gracewood and the Listener deserve every plaudit for this major coup in book reviewing, which has not only held Ihimaera's feet to the fire, but also exposed the Auckland branch of Penguin, once a publishing house where writers would be proud to have their work published, as pretty sloppy. The fiasco has left Auckland University with some serious work to do in cleaning up its international reputation.

The "over-exposure not them again" award goes to Wellington's celebrity chefs Steve Logan and Al Brown. Or is it Al Logan and Steve Brown? And do they ever physically turn on the gas and cook? They won the Welly Awards this year. They write books. They're on telly. They drive old cars, wear funny hats, design T-shirts. Cuisine magazine called their restaurant, Logan Brown, a "temple, devoted to Dionysian wine and gormandise" but every time I've phoned - and I go to Wellington at least twice a week - staff have told me neither Logan nor Brown will be there.

Perhaps they're practising their grillslinging, a barbecue tool they designed and sell overseas. You're uber-successful but, I think boys, if your restaurant is eponymous, you should be in the kitchen at least more than 50 per cent of the time.

Is there an award for fashion crimes? If so, narrowly beating the maxi dress, especially when worn with platform espadrilles tied on to cankles which at the end of the day have to be cut off pressed hams that once resembled feet, are Wellington's paved footpaths. No doubt the Wellington City Council thought it was being terribly cosmopolitan when it ripped up the traditional flat pavement and laid these wonky bricks.

The planners, I'll warrant, were men in trainers or women in sensible flat shoes, slacks and cardies. Come to think of it, I've never seen Mayor Kerry Prendergast in sexy shoes. No chance, then, for women like me with a stiletto fetish. And when I break my ankles in the ungrouted grooves, ACC has kissed goodbye any chance of suing these sadists. I refuse, however, to be forced into nana-courts by the bureaucratic Philistines, even if my legs snap off and stab me one day in the middle of Lambton Quay.

The "Politician Wally Award" goes not to Rodney Hide but to the Act MPs who tried to dump him as leader. Hello? Heather Roy, Roger Douglas and John Boscawen - Hide's the only reason you're in Parliament, plus the only reason Act still exists, despite his stuff-ups and yes, they're huge. I'm Hide's least favourite person but the three coup plotters - who should be sacked except Act has no one credible to take their places - seriously underestimate his intelligence, his extraordinary ability to recover from disaster, and his single-minded determination to achieve his goals (think weight loss, going alcohol-free, winning Epsom).

You have a man down, you lift him up and carry him a while, not press his nose into the mud and think you can take his place. Heather Roy as leader and Roger Douglas as deputy? As they say on Facebook - LMAO.