KEY POINTS:
With Mayor John Banks struggling to create a culture of sweetness and light up at city hall, you have to think that bashing the poor parking wardens over the head with the two-wheeled battery-powered scooters they'd been asked to trial was a little counter-productive.
Like Mr Banks, I'd be aghast if the city actually bought a fleet of these rich man's toys for council staff to get around on, but where's the harm in giving the often-despised parking police a free treat?
If the rest of us want to play on a Segway, the agents charge $550 plus GST for a Saturday morning-to-Sunday afternoon trial. The city's parking team have scored them on loan for nothing, which sounds a pretty cheap way of livening up an employee's dull life.
Personally, if I was a parking warden, it's the last form of transport I would want. And not just because there's no way of avoiding the fact that they make everyone who rides one look a proper dork.
I'm sure the first thing you're taught at parking warden school is to make yourself as inconspicuous as possible. And if it's not taught, I'm sure it's a lesson soon learnt on the job.
These machines do the very opposite. They lift you up above the safety screen of the parked cars and make you a target for every irate transgressor - past, present and future. They also alert your prey the hunt is on. If I was a warden, I'd want to stick with the little cars they already have. Somewhere to shelter from the weather - and the abuse.
But I'm more concerned for me, the pedestrian. Mayor Banks is "horrified" at the thought of a "very nice elderly woman" being knocked down by one of his out of control employees. Forget the old women. I'm terrified I might be knocked down.
Pedestrianism is a perilous enough occupation already. Which reminds me: have you noticed that the taniwha that used to squirt muddy water up your trouser legs from between the old shaky orange Queen St paving slabs are back, despite the $43.5 million upgrade. One's taken up residence underneath the new bluestone paving, on the eastern side, just north of Victoria St, and another ... no I won't spoil the fun ... see if you can find him for yourself and let me know.
But getting back to the rubber-wheeled wardens. At least with a skateboarder you have warning that something's approaching from behind.
As long as you freeze and the kid aboard has control, there's a good chance you'll survive. Bikes are sneakier, but with luck you'll hear the tell-tale grunting and cursing and the clack of gears from behind. On the other hand, a Segway - all rubber tyres and electric motor - is silent. All it would take would be to spot something attractive in the new Gucci shop window, swerve sideways to get a closer view, and crash bang, you're nose down on Queen St with tyre-marks the length of your body.
That's why I find Heart of the City boss Alex Swney's desire to kit out his team of Auckland Ambassadors with these silent assassins hard to fathom. Lying prone on the pavement, pleading with the guilty ambassador to phone an ambulance, is hardly the best way to encourage return visits.
Of course purchasers can fork out for the "police light and siren" accessory advertised on the company's website. The high-intensity alternating-red-blue strobe promises to "increase visibility" and "a siren helps alert others of an officer's presence". Yes, but does it add to the pedestrian experience? And let's not even fret about what might happen if the machine's simple brain started playing up. Just 18 months ago, the US consumer safety commission recalled 23,500 Segways because the software in some was starting to scramble and "unexpectedly apply reverse torque to the wheels". Or, in plain English, cause it to suddenly go backwards. Ouch.
With kids on bikes and teenagers on skateboards, to say nothing of fellow pedestrians who have no inkling of the need to keep to the left, footpaths are quite adventurous enough as they are. Which leaves the Queen's highway. But if I was a parking warden, chancing my life in general traffic astride what looks like an old push-lawn mower - top speed 9km/h - sounds suicidal.
