Brian Rudman: Laughter best medicine for proposed Blake memorial

Wide-eyed at the latest plan to create a memorial for Sir Peter Blake by floating his winning boat inside a 45m high floating beer bottle, I couldn't help thinking that the best way to destroy a project is to laugh it to death. My initial instinct was that someone was taking the piss. But no. Spa-designer Carrick Hill is deadly serious, claiming his proposal will offer "a dynamic and iconic landmark for the city of sails".

Of course, in the bad old days, beer bottles bobbing around the litter-strewn Viaduct Basin were two a penny. But is a giant Steinlager bottle - admittedly the brewery giant was a great sponsor of the winning Team New Zealand - the image we want tourists to take home of our spruced up front yard?

Mr Hill says his "nautical sculpture" would be ideally suited to the seaward tip of the Tank Farm, becoming "an internationally recognised 'visual salute"' to Sir Peter. But would he really want to be remembered by a monument that implied he and the yachting fraternity were fuelled by alcohol?

With luck it will die a quiet death, like the plans, a generation ago, by Dr Pat Dunn, the present Catholic bishop's dad, to erect a huge statue of Christ on the inner harbour reef off Orakei. Some icons, our harbour just doesn't need.

Talking of merry japes, it's starting to look like the DontRiskOurHealth.com website set up to fight the sacking of Diagnostic MedLab as the Auckland's state-funded provider of community laboratory services, could be seen in the same light.

Creator of the site is Milford computer whiz Matthew Crockett, partner of an employee of Diagnostic Medlab's parent company.

With a little electronic delving it emerges that Mr Crockett has also created another site, RateMyFlame.com, to give us all the chance to "post your flames for all the world to admire". He defines flame as "insulting criticism or remark meant to incite anger".

He warns that the site "contains profane language and slander which some may find disturbing".

Encouraging readers to post their own flames, he provides a guide entitled "The 12 Commandments of Flaming".

Now remember this is the guy whose DontRiskOurHealth website is full of scary accusations surrounding the change of laboratory services such as: "They have taken a huge risk awarding this contract to a new provider. This is a risk that we will have to bear, not them!"

"Labtests New Zealand did contract to offer ... a cheaper service, however this will result in reduced access and an increase in turnaround times for tests. This means you will have to drive further and wait longer for the results of your diagnostic tests."

"We are here to petition the district health boards to reconsider their decision ... before making radical and risky changes for the sake of a few dollars."

"Don't let them risk your health - join us!"

"There has been inadequate consultation with the community health professionals, their patients and the public about the risks involved with replacing an existing provider with a proven record for timeliness and quality with a new and unproven provider that does not have the staff, facilities or collection centres in place to serve the Auckland region."

"Labtests Auckland Ltd have no laboratory, testing or collecting facilities in Auckland right now, and have less than 12 months to set them all up."

Now read some of his 12 Commandments of Flaming:

* "Make things up about your opponent. It's important to make your lies sound true."

* "Doubt their existence. You've never actually seen your opponent have you? And since you're the centre of the universe, you should have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore THEY DON'T EXIST."

* "Conspiracies abound. If everyone's against you, the reason can't possibly be that you're a fxxxhead."

* "Lie. cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up."

* "When in doubt, insult."

I guess it's a way of doodling away your downtime. Mr Crockett says he only created the site because he had searched in vain "to find some brilliant flaming to laugh at" and I, for one, don't want to fall into the trap he warns against, of believing there's a conspiracy around every corner.

On the other hand, it does make you wonder, is his DontRiskOur Health site genuine, or is it just a flaming joke?