KEY POINTS:
Those of us who no longer have to check how to spell prostate or discover what it does will sympathise with Merv Smith's wee problem on the Western Line.
In a recent letter to the Herald, the one-time 1ZB breakfast radio star called for portable toilets at rail stations for old chaps whose "equipment" had become as enfeebled as the train service they were trying to use. With no facilities on the trains and no permanent lavatories at stations apart from Britomart and Swanson, he pleaded for temporary loos along the way.
Waitakere Mayor Bob Harvey proudly directed Mr Smith to the high-tech ones that have just opened at the Henderson station. But with the trains as erratic as they are, crossing one's legs and thinking of Henderson will not always be enough.
Not that it's just an oldies' problem. Or one unique to the rail system. Anyone with small kids will tell you that venturing out shopping anywhere in this town needs careful planning due to the paucity of public lavatories.
It's a battle which Auckland City councillor Penny Sefuiva has been fighting for years - without success. She recalls writing to the authorities when her kids were toddlers. But for Smith and Caughey's fine facilities, she says, visiting Queen St with children was a nightmare.
Late last year, Mrs Sefuiva requested a "state of the toilets" report, as chairwoman of the arts, culture and recreation committee. As any city visitor could have told her, the situation is little better. The authors nonchalantly noted that "there is pressure on toilet facilities ... However there is no specific evidence that additional toilets are required to cater for growth, or that additional toilets would reduce anti-social behaviour associated with excessive alcohol consumption."
But how would they know, because in the next sentence the bureaucrats went on to say, "There are currently no proposals (funded) to increase the number of toilets in the CBD, or any plans to undertake further demand analysis."
But if they've done no analysis, how do they know what the demand might be? What happened across town in Main Street Onehunga in 2002 suggests they might be surprised if they did.
Barbara Holloway, now manager of the Karangahape Road Business Association, was then in the same role in Onehunga. Amidst great controversy, she presided over the erection of a new public toilet with a difference. Instead of sticking it away in a discreet corner, it was plonked in the middle of the shopping centre, slap-bang on the roadway, taking up some former carparks.
Artist David Vazey was hired to create an art-nouveau-style wrought-iron screen, complete with a tree of life, which wraps around it. On completion there was a grand opening, complete with tango dancers leaping in and out of the structure. Sorry, I forgot to ask why the Latin dancers.
Despite the critics, it became an instant success. "We had a door counter on it for the first 12 months and 19,000 people used them," said Ms Holloway.
And that was just in daylight hours, as the toilets are closed at night. As for vandalism, in the two years after it opened, "we had one bolt pulled out of the wrought iron". Now Ms Holloway is planning two new toilets blocks for Karangahape Rd, but doubts she'll get away with taking parking spaces in that busy street. She should give it a go. Set the CBD an example and give the Kawakawa Hundertwasser landmark a run for its money.
The CBD report reveals there are just 13 public toilets in the whole CBD - and that includes the one in Beresford Square off Karangahape Rd, another up in Albert Park by the university, and four around the Viaduct Harbour. Two others, in Myers Park and Wellesley St, have an "entrapment potential" of 4 on a 1-to-5 scale.
We learn that there is pressure for more public toilets from High St businesses but that the nearby Chancery retail development did not, and was not required to, provide any facilities for its customers.
With Queen St in the midst of a $40 million makeover, maybe it's time to smuggle Ms Holloway in with one or two of her lavatorial works of art. Put a counter on them and see what demand there really is.
