KEY POINTS:
Take a look at the United States presidential election campaign. Please. It is a damn sight more interesting than our own and if I have to write the words "Winston Peters" once more I will scream.
Central casting could not have come up with a better line-up of characters for a Hollywood film.
Come to think of it, judging by the saturation news coverage on telly, it is a TV movie.
The Republicans have John McCain - war hero, ex-POW, a little long in the tooth; but he has a reputation as a bit of a firebrand and, let's face it, if you were casting someone as president, the silver-haired McCain certainly looks the part.
His sidekick, Sarah Palin, is new, young, female, glamorous and obviously capable of stirring a crowd, if her convention speech is anything to go by.
The Democrats have Barack Obama - young, good-looking, black, idealistic and Kennedy-esque in his rhetoric. His offsider, Joe Biden, matches McCain in the grey-hair-and-experience stakes. He has a suitably tragic family past, and he can also take the low road and verbally beat the living hell out of his opponents.
The pairings are carefully weighted to make up for perceived deficiencies in the candidates. Palin balances out Obama, Biden balances McCain. Both teams look good. It is when you scrutinise what they stand for that you see the real differences.
From a New Zealand perspective, McCain could be beneficial. He is free-trade oriented and got on well in this regard with the Minister of Foreign Affairs (see, I'm trying not to use the name) when the pair got together in Washington two years ago. McCain is on the record as saying "one of our top priorities is a free-trade agreement with New Zealand".
Actually, you might recall, McCain said this after being questioned by New Zealand journalists at a photo opportunity arranged by the senator's staff in Washington.
The New Zealand Foreign Minister, who I shall still not name, spat the dummy when he felt he was being ignored and had an embarrassing and humiliating row with the journalists in front of a bewildered McCain.
A McCain presidency is seen as a continuation of the Bush Administration and his support for an FTA was echoed by Bush's Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice, on her visit to New Zealand.
She said, "The United States should be committed to a free-trade agreement."
Such an agreement with the US would be a huge boost to the Kiwi economy. It is estimated that our trade to America would increase by more than half.
McCain is a hawk on the subject of the "war on terrorism" and is likely to accelerate the Bush Administration's gradual warming of defence relations to ensure continued New Zealand backing of US military action in theatres such as Afghanistan.
Democrat Obama is more protectionist, less likely to risk the political fallout from a FTA and as a dove on Iraq he is unlikely to place too much emphasis on the importance of the defence relationship with New Zealand.
Okay, that's a quick look at our own venal self-interest in the US elections. We could make a buck out of a McCain win. However, look at this scenario. McCain is in his 70s and, like many septuagenarians, his health is not 100 per cent.
If, after his inauguration, he falls off his perch, the US ends up with President Sarah Palin.
She's an aggressively pro-war, gun-loving fundamentalist Christian, a creationist who is strongly anti-abortion and so vigorously opposed to contraception that she preaches abstinence to teenagers like her pregnant 17-year-old daughter.
Already swirling around her are allegations of pork-barrel politicking and abuses of power as Governor of Alaska.
This woman is Dick Cheney in drag, although rumours of extra-marital sexual adventures in the hitherto surprisingly accurate tabloid National Inquirer might make her a cross-dressing Bill Clinton.
Compared with the choice given of a thoughtful, intelligent, liberal Obama/Biden ticket, the prospect of her inheriting the presidency is quite terrifying.
That means, judging by previous US elections, McCain and Palin are sure to be elected because the American electorate invariably seems to opt for the worst possible choice.
At least here in New Zealand there is scant difference between the two main parties.
Despite the posturing by Labour and National, the vituperative attacks on each other, the now almost hysterical ranting from the rivals about the coming apocalypse should the other party win, life here will go on much the same as always, no matter who governs.
The fate of the world hangs on the outcome of the US elections. The fate of who gets a ministerial salary, free cars and a nice house hangs in the balance here in New Zealand.
