Bevan Rapson: Ten months to choose which nerd's for you

Labour Party leader Phil Goff. Photo / Sarah Ivey

Opinion

John Key and Phil Goff don't set the world alight but neither of them would be a bad choice.

But, let's agree - neither of these guys is charisma-on-a-stick. Neither of them is a JFK, Clinton or Thatcher. The date's been set ... let the Battle of the Nerds commence.

Which is not in any way to demean the respective achievements and capability of our Prime Minister and Opposition leader. Well, not much, anyway.

They're both formidable politicians.

John Key's nerve and instincts were on show again this week when he ignored convention to give nearly 10 months' notice of the election. Less surprisingly, he also ruled out working with Winston Peters but the combined effect emphasised again his ability to grab the initiative while exuding a heavy-lidded calm.

After all those years of Helen Clark's unwavering glare and tight political management, Key's demeanour - "relaxed", as he would call it - remains among his most appealing attributes.

Phil Goff's long record in Parliament and as a minister prove that he's also no slouch. It's his misfortune to have inherited Labour's leadership while National and the Prime Minister ride such a wave of popularity. He has barely laid a glove on Key in two years. But his intellectual surefootedness, ability to master a brief, to discuss complex issues in clear terms and, usually, to play the ball rather than the man, all suit him to high office.

But, let's agree - neither of these guys is charisma-on-a-stick. Neither of them is JFK, Clinton or Thatcher. They don't have an ounce of what made David Lange so watchable. And both have a mile-wide streak of nerdishness.

Key's was on full display with his "Liz Hurley is hot" remarks. When a 40-something father-of-two starts talking about who might be "hot", his kids cringe. When your Prime Minister does it in front of a microphone, it has the same kind of effect on a wider scale. Ew, etc.

Perhaps Key should have his son Max with him at all times to growl "Dad!" as an early warning system.

It's not that Key is really likely to spend a lot of time pondering the relative merits of Hurley and Angelina Jolie. But his desire to fit in with the laddish antics of a sports radio show is classically nerdish. He seems to specialise in cultivating boysie, yuk-yuk relationships with broadcasters like Tony Veitch and Paul Henry but, with his poll-ratings, does he really need to be so pantingly eager to please?

Late this week he popped up in a Rugby World Cup volunteer's cap and uniform, the mild nerdishness of which was set off by a "holographic wristband" which is apparently meant to keep the body at an optimal "ionic balance". Cool, right? (Max: "Dad!").

Goff's nerd credentials are equally clear-cut. There's the motorbike thing, for starters, which his minders unwisely believed would rev up his image. Young guys on motorbikes might be edgy and interesting. To still be riding one at 50 is either part of a midlife crisis or hints at a certain eccentricity.

While Key's eagerness to fit in reveals itself in unconvincing blokeishness, Goff's tends towards a forced joviality.

The rictus grin he adopts for this persona will drop in an instant if - probably to his relief - he gets a question about something complicated and foreign affairsy, allowing the bonhomie to be replaced by pursed lips, scrunched brow and lashings of policy work detail.

Recently, his hair got him a headline. Phased in over a few months his transformation from grizzled silver fox to chestnut would likely have gone unremarked. But, no, like a geek in a brand-new plaid jumper, Goff returns from his summer break with a fully dyed mop. Let's pick on that kid!

So, you have 10 months to choose your nerd. Given the times, this isn't a bad choice to have. In the wake of the global financial crisis and its ongoing effects, this isn't a time for Gordon Gekko alpha-males, omnipotent leaders or high-flown oratory. No one has all the answers.

Apart from Winston, of course, the man in the Gekko suit. In many ways, Peters is the anti-nerd, his smile sparkling, his charm on a good day, undeniable. His various high horses are saddled up and ready for the campaign ahead.

But the real choice this year will still be between two comparatively unglamorous politicians of the centre-right and centre-left respectively. Neither of them is an inspirational speaker. Neither will wow the Oxford Union with scintillating repartee.

Sorry to disappoint, John, but neither of them has an alternative career on offer as a leading man opposite Liz Hurley.

And we can recognise in both a healthy dose of the klutziness which inflicts most of us from time to time.

Key has already proven that this doesn't have to be a political liability. May the best nerd win.