Barbara Hessey: I'll be the one waxing my legs and painting my nails as I speed along

COMMENT

I've been wrong all these years. There, I've said it. It's a load off my mind and I'm now ready to move my four wheels forward to blissfully embrace my soon to be acquired Auckland Driving Style.

I emigrated to Auckland in the 70s and brought with me my hard-won English driving licence. I'm now ready to confess that I have driven around our city, tut-tutting and, yes, on the odd occasion finger-waggling my fellow motorists.

Okay. I'm a slow learner and loyal to the driving ideals drummed into me by my instructor who placed safety and consideration for other drivers and pedestrians on an equal footing with car-handling abilities. But now I've seen the light. I have a duty to my city and my much-loved adopted country to promote the renowned Auckland driving style.

I've cast aside all doubts and plan to embrace my new driving regime with all the zeal of a Moonie convert. No longer will I be joining the motorway at the speed at which the traffic is moving. If the traffic is at a standstill, it will be my job, nay, my responsibility, to screech down to the last 5cm of onramp (overtaking as many "stuck" vehicles as possible), barge my way in and stake my claim in the line while avoiding all eye contact with other drivers.

Merge like a zip? Well, of course, I now realise that Auckland motorists have some seriously defective zippers that thankfully remain below the car window level.

Moving down the motorway, it will be my job to help prevent any other drivers from joining the queues. I understand that keeping them out is a just punishment for their living closer to the city than I do.

I'm going to block intersections (I've learned this from bus drivers), speed through red lights and tailgate.

I've come to appreciate that Auckland drivers are superb multi-taskers. I've seen them breakfasting, cleaning teeth, doing make-up and manicures, cellphoning, hair-dressing, reading the paper and typing into their laptops while navigating the traffic.

I don't "do" breakfast and I haven't a laptop or cellphone, but I thought I could do my hair styling and facial preparations. The cup stand will be perfect for holding my waxing kit and nail varnish and my rap music will be turned up to maximum level.

I can't wait to get started. I'll be the lady in the ear muffs and curlers boom-busting my way down the northwestern, waxing and waning and repelling all would-be invaders. Don't forget to wave.

* Barbara Hessey is an Aucklander.