Ask the expert: Tactics for a tactful put-down

What can you do about relentlessly dogmatic colleagues? Dr MARIE WILSON, head of management and employment relations at the University of Auckland Business School and a veteran of 20 years in corporate management and small business, offers advice.

I have a colleague in my team who tends to go into things with fairly fixed ideas and the conviction that he is right. He's quite dogmatic, and it makes round-table discussion - or even anything vaguely consultative - quite difficult.

He doesn't seem to want to look past his own ideas or opinions. Is there some way of persuading him, subtly, to adopt a more open, listening approach without him taking enormous offence?

The technique for managing dogmatics at the individual level is usually by asking for evidence that they are right. But that can make them all the more defensive as they will assume that what they feel is only what "everyone knows to be true".

This is the personality type that brainstorming and other creative meeting techniques were designed for.

In brainstorming, everyone puts in ideas, and judgments are specifically forbidden until all the ideas are recorded.

Other techniques require everyone to hear and record their ideas without judgment.

Market researchers often use brainstorming initially and then give everyone stick-on dots or vouchers so that everyone has an equal "vote" in what the group decides.

If you are the group leader, it is up to you to shepherd the group process, and this may include taking the team member aside and explaining the effect their behaviour has on others.

If you have the resources, you might consider getting your team to take a creative thinking workshop, so that you have a shared understanding of how to generate ideas, challenge assumptions and make good decisions.

At a purely tactical level, if you have a dogmatic or negative team member, sit next to that person at the meeting so you can ask for everyone's ideas and opinions by moving around the table, always saving that member for last.

You can place your hand on their arm and interrupt a tirade if necessary when they do get a chance to speak.

My job involves dealing mainly with a lot of men, old and young, who all insist on treating me as if I am a delicate lady - they open doors, take my arm when we cross the road, pull my seat out for me, stand up when I enter a room.

Polite as this may be, it makes me feel patronised and goes totally against the reputation I am trying to establish as being their equal - not acting like a man but just an equal!

How should I cope with this and stop them calling me "darling" and "my dear", but without offending them?

If you want to be treated as an equal, earn respect through your performance and keep your reputation-building focused there.

Make sure your achievements and competence are visible to others by seeking feedback and taking credit where it is due.

Rebuffing what others see as acts of courtesy will not improve your reputation.

Even if it grates for you, rushing for the door first or ignoring other gestures will only make your colleagues feel awkward and cause you to be seen as rude.

Certainly they are aware that you can open a door for yourself, so it is not meant to imply that you are incapable.

The issue of not being called by name, however, is not so much a matter of old-style courtesy and is fairly easy to address.

The next time you are spoken to as "darling" or "my dear", you can say, "I really wouldn't want anyone to misunderstand our professional relationship, so I prefer that you call me ... at work".

If that fails, I suppose you could call them "snooky-wookums" in return, until they get the point.