Ask the expert: If you're getting a snarl its time for a quiet talk

Here's a question for you about office manners. I work in a professional services firm where there are lots of deadlines and things can get pretty frantic.

I'm not on the front line so find it easier to be a fragrant wee petal at all times, but some of my colleagues have shorter fuses. When I am snapped at in answer to a perfectly reasonable question I wonder if I should say something - I reckon standards drop if you don't uphold them, and then collegial respect can be affected - or just say nothing.

Or, to put it another way, is there a point in these situations at which mild remonstration is a good thing?

If the person is always snarly, then a mild but pointed response may be appropriate.

When giving a colleague feedback, it's usually important to make it just between the two of you, rather than trying to score points in public.

Make sure you point out specific behaviours, and what their consequences are for you.

Something along the lines of "when you say 'x', it sounds to me like you are angry and impatient, and it makes me much less likely to come and talk to you ... ", rather than the "you are rude" approach, can at least start a discussion.

If they brush it off as just being stressed, or that you are overly sensitive, ask them to try to see it from your perspective, as such outbursts generally increase stress rather than relieve it.

If the person is generally pleasant, but suddenly snarly, you can respond by asking if there is a better time to bring this to their attention.

This lets them know that you have noticed their communication, without being too direct and confrontational at a time they appear to be stressed.

You could then speak to them again at another time, and talk through how their snarly communication affects you and other co-workers.

I'm coming to the horrible conclusion that my MD, while he may have power, is a pretty awful manager and I find myself frequently (to myself) criticising the way he does things. I'm also finding that I am feeling disrespectful and frustrated, though I am keeping a lid on it. I am wondering where this might lead, though.

It sounds like you already know where this may lead, but let's think it through.

If you are constantly critical of your MD, it will eventually make its way from your internal criticism to something that is noticeable.

It may already be happening through very subtle changes that others may notice.

You have already indicated that you are feeling frustrated and disrespectful, and your reference to keeping a lid on it suggests that you are having to actively not discuss it.

Eventually, you will let it out, and this may not have pleasant consequences.

As a first step, I would suggest that you discuss the way you feel - and why you feel this way - with someone you trust, preferably someone who knows a bit about your MD.

I assume that you have some specific examples that back up your feelings about your MD.

Discussing them with someone else may provide some clarity for you, either providing a different point of view or confirming your worst fears.

If you do not feel any different about your MD after discussing things with another (or you feel even worse) you need to figure out for yourself whether this lack of respect for the MD is going to affect your own motivation and performance.

If the answer is no, then you need to figure out how to carry out your activities without having to deal with the MD most of the time. You also need some strategies about how you will "keep the lid on", as you call it.

If you cannot maintain your motivation and performance, you may need to consider whether you should seek another job while your work record is still good at your current organisation, and you haven't let that lid off.

* Send your questions to: julie_middleton@nzherald.co.nz