Ask the expert: Caught in the net

By MARIE WILSON

Q. I have been employed at management level in New Zealand for three years. One day I found a colleague in a very bad mood. I thought I could cheer her up with an email.

She did not appreciate my email and took a copy of it to my boss. My boss was not ready to listen to my explanation and said I have an attitude problem. She said I must apologise to the concerned colleague.

I saw my colleague and apologised. She said that she had reflected on the email and realised that I had meant no offence.

She was surprised at the severity of action her complaint had caused when I told her I have been accused of having an attitude problem.

How can I correct the situation if I am seen as having a "bad attitude".

A. Before you try to correct an "attitude problem", you should probably try to identify whether you really have one. Just because your boss says that you have one, and everyone thinks so, doesn't make it the case.

I would return to your boss and ask for clarification on what she has said. What does she mean by "attitude problem", you would like to know specific examples so that you can address this issue.

You can ask who else is commenting on your performance and what specific things have been noted. If she can't clarify this, she can't expect you to change anything that you are doing.

First, your boss's behaviour. It's her job to set clear performance expectations and give frequent feedback. If she really had been getting complaints about you, and never passed them on so that you could improve, that's extremely poor management on her part.

She's also broken the cardinal rule in investigating a performance problem, which is keeping an open mind and listening to the reasons and evidence on both sides of the story. When your colleague called to say she had over-reacted, your boss should have called you both in and reviewed the whole cycle of events and worked out a solution between you.

Next, your colleague's behaviour. Flying off the handle to your boss without talking to you about it first is not good practice, particularly if she already knew she was "in a bad mood".

At a minimum she should apologise and if your boss doesn't initiate a clean-up of this matter, she should. You've said she's normally cheerful, and this was out of character, but she still needs better skills for dealing with stress than she's exhibited here.

Finally, your behaviour. You (and your boss) are both relative newcomers to the organisation. You both still have a lot to learn about your roles and the culture of the organisation (it can take over a year to become fully aware of all the expectations of an organisation, particularly the social and "political" aspects of work). During this period of time, it is good practice to tread a bit more carefully, and check to see if the way that you are handling things is appropriate to your new role and workplace.

Seeking frequent feedback on how you are doing things as well as what you are doing assists your learning and improves performance in a new job.

One thing you might think about is how emails are used. In some organisations they are more like electronic "chat", an informal exchange between colleagues; in others, they are seen as part of formal written communication.

The other thing you might consider is whether a "joking" email to a colleague that you knew was in a bad mood was a good idea. Person-to-person communication involves a lot of feedback; we can see the other person and instantly correct what and how we are speaking if our "joke" isn't working or if they don't quite understand what we are saying. You don't have this control and feedback with email, and it is much easier to be misinterpreted.

Try using direct communication to build rapport; when you have good established relationships, misinterpreting your emails or other comments will be much less likely.

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Email a question for Dr Marie Wilson