David White has revised his book about the murder of his daughter Helen Meads. Photo / Christine Cornege
Until his own daughter was murdered, David White had no idea how prevalent and dangerous domestic violence was in New Zealand.
Helen Meads was shot at point-blank range in Matamata by her husband Gregory in September 2009 - four days after telling him she was leaving the abusive marriage.
Not long after that her father’s journey to save other lives began and in 2012 he wrote a book about the tragedy in a bid to educate Kiwis about the risks of family harm.
Since then he also worked tirelessly to help other women escape violent homes and to raise awareness of the deadly issue in a bid to prevent further deaths.
Fifteen years on from Helen’s death White has republished his book, with new chapters about his fight against increasing levels of domestic violence and child abuse and what he thinks should be done to address it.
“It took the murder of our daughter to make me understand the full danger any person is in when living in a family violent relationship. I understood too late to save Helen,” White told the Herald.
“The first edition of this book was written with the intent of waking up other fathers of the risks their children may be in.
“In this revised edition I tell of the work I have been doing over the last 15 years, the extent of family violence in this country that reaches to every corner of society.”
In 2023 White was made a Member of the New Zealand Order of Merit for his services to the prevention of family violence.
His citation stated he had “campaigned against family violence for more than 10 years, raising awareness of the behavioural signs leading to abuse“ and ”advocated extensively for the prevention of family violence”.
White said the book’s new chapters included stories about those he had advocated for - and examples of what he believes is a “lack of government intervention over the last 40 years”.
“And most importantly of all, an action plan that will reduce the horrific rate of family violence,” White said.
“This new edition is a part of my continuing campaign to raise awareness of what is happening around us, and how to make communities safer.”
Helen: The Helen Meads Tragedy was initially produced and distributed by a publisher.
White is paying out of his own pocket to self-publish the new revised edition.
He said there was “backlash” and “hate mail” when the book first came out with people accusing him and his wife Pam of “making money” out of Helen’s murder.
“Pam was badly affected and I wish to avoid that this time,” White said.
“There is no monetary profit in it for me … I’m doing it to get the message out there.”
New Zealand has the highest rates of family violence in the OECD and about half of all homicides and reported violent crimes are domestic abuse-related.
White allowed the Herald on Sunday to publish sections from the new chapters in his book which is dedicated to “every parent who has had a child murdered”.
The book can be purchased online from The Underground Bookstore for $25.
I wrote the first edition with other fathers in mind. The stark reality is that if I had understood even the basics of family violence, I would have done things differently back then.
I did it wrong, and Helen was murdered. That’s my burden. Because of my ignorance, my daughter was killed and my world fell apart.
I could have saved her.
I want to bring an understanding that we are unlikely to really know the level of danger that our children may be in when they are living in an abusive relationship.
I didn’t want, another father to walk in my shoes.
I wanted to save the next “Helen”.
It all began with a phone call. Her voice was ragged. Clearly not in good shape.
“I can’t leave here, he’s waiting outside. I knew Helen and he says he will do it to me.”
Her name was Jo, and her wounds had been cleaned up yet again at our local medical centre.
“Stay inside,” I told her. “I’m coming to get you.”
I jumped into my old ute and drove to the medical centre’s back entrance. I didn’t recognise her and was sure I had never met her.
I bundled her onto the cab floor of the ute and covered her with chaff sacks.
I wasted no time in leaving, and hopefully quickly enough before he thought she was taking too long inside.
I took her back to our place and privacy. Our home has no street view as we are surrounded by trees.
Once she had calmed down and felt sure we hadn’t been followed and that she was safely away, we got to sorting out what outcome she really wanted.
I asked about family support, who would help her?
“I can’t go home. Dad has had enough and won’t help me again. I’ve gone back to my ex too many times and Dad is sick of it. I’m on my own.”
“Stupid man,” I thought. At least he still has a daughter - and one of ours will never be coming home.
“Let me talk to him. I’ll explain how things stand.”
“He won’t talk to you.”
“I won’t give him the choice.”
And I phoned her parents to say we were on the way.
There is no need to take you through the conversation that was had on our arrival, and her father’s interpretation of my interference in their family matters.
But the crux of my comments were all polite and very clear. I held nothing back from telling him exactly what it is like having a daughter murdered, and of being a father who hadn’t stepped forward quickly enough to keep her alive.
There was no holding back on what it was like to have to stand in my shoes and accept that hadn’t done enough.
Helen’s murder was too recent, and still very, very raw in my emotions.
I gave him the choice. Help his daughter now or be prepared to organise her funeral and bury her next week.
I reckon Helen was sitting on my shoulder, cheering me on.
There were a lot of tears. Her parents moved Jo to a safe location well away where her ex wouldn’t find her.
She was safe.
Jo was the first of many. So many phone calls. So many ragged voices.
I want to summarise what I’ve experienced in the last 15 years.
Working with victims has been rewarding, emotionally draining and scary.
I have had to learn you can’t always be successful, life’s not like that.
I have been disgusted at how some people can treat others and it’s damned hard not to show that. Sometimes I’ve ended up in dodgy situations and calmed myself by believing that angry people can’t aim straight.
Family violence is completely without barriers. It is everywhere. It matters not a jot on your age, your ethnicity, your wealth, your sexual orientation, your upbringing, your religion, your IQ. No sector is immune.
It is interesting to note, that I have not gone looking to do any of what has taken so much of my time since we lost Helen.
All I have done is answer the phone, and have done what I could to help out.
Anna Leask is a Christchurch-based reporter who covers national crime and justice. She joined the Herald in 2008 and has worked as a journalist for 18 years with a particular focus on family and gender-based violence, child abuse, sexual violence, homicides, mental health and youth crime. She writes, hosts and produces the award-winning podcast A Moment In Crime, released monthly on nzherald.co.nz
Sign up to The Daily H, a free newsletter curated by our editors and delivered straight to your inbox every weekday.
OPINION: Labour also needs a cup of tea and lie down to calm their nerves.