KEY POINTS:
Overseas, all the fashion experts are saying that shoes are the new bags. But at first read, this statement, like so many other glib little numbers in fashion, doesn't make much sense. After all, your lipstick, wallet, mobile phone and car keys are unlikely to fit into one high heel - and unless you like looking silly, you're even less likely to carry said heel on a strap around your shoulder.
No, what they're really talking about is the transferral of sartorial status from one item to the other.
Because for the past few years, leaders of style have been queuing for designer arm-candy, paying ridiculous amounts of cash for it, then displaying their hard-earned totes about town. But now, it seems you don't need to climb any social ladder to get higher in fashion land - you only need to be standing very still (there'll be no climbing in these babies) atop a pair of the craziest looking, most brightly coloured and vertiginous heels you can find.
But wait! Here in the Antipodes things are a bit different. And rather than ranting on about how shoes are the new bags, we shall be so bold as to suggest that shoes are not the new bags, they're actually the new hats.
Clearly you won't be wearing shoes on your head. But if you look around, you'll see shoes with huge flowers, bows, bells, feathers, crystals and laces attached. That is, the same trimmings you usually see on hats.
However a few elaborate details are not the only thing that this, and next, season's shoes have in common with headgear. They are also going to be bloody hard to wear. In fact you may be thinking that you'll only be bringing them out on special occasions - at the races, at a ball or for a wedding, say.
As one boutique owner, who specialises in designer footwear but who has deliberately avoided bringing in some of these wilder looks in European shoes, puts it: "I'm not quite sure those sorts of shoes are suited to everyday life in New Zealand cities. After all, it's not the sort of thing that you walk down the road to the cafe in."
Which is why in New Zealand we definitely won't be getting some of the more extreme sculptural footwear, neither sensible nor particularly sexy, that has been seen on runways overseas.
British designer Alexander McQueen is making waves in fashion by making "chopines" to order. Originally these were stilt-like wooden platform shoes were worn by the wealthy ladies of Venice to keep their skirts clean while strolling the dirty, water-logged streets. Apparently they're pretty ugly and virtually impossible to walk in.
American label Marc Jacobs has made footwear that has the heel "misplaced" - it comes unexpectedly out of the bottom of the shoe, from underneath the toes rather then under the heel - while fashion designer Antonio Berardi seems to want to attach hooves to women's feet and shoe expert Pierre Hardy's popped some jolly little, silver satellite dishes on the side of his heels.
Other extravagant designer shoes - that definitely were not made for walking - in materials such as bamboo, lucite and wood, are being compared to cars, boats, architectural landmarks and a lot of art.
Recently some interesting business-conspiracy theories have also emerged to explain why fashion is mad for what, at first glance, appears to be special-needs footwear.
Turns out its better business to focus on footwear anyway as women buy more shoes than bags. That makes sense - after all, you can change your shoes every day but you're unlikely to change your handbag daily. According to market surveys, retailers expect to sell five pairs of shoes for every single bag.
And then there's the designer backlash against the rip-offs. Manufacturers of designer knockoffs must be tossing and turning at night wondering how to successfully copy something as outrageous as designer hooves.
All of which leads one right back to the conclusion that the genuine statement shoes available in New Zealand - Ashley Ardrey have some pretty amazing Alexander McQueens among other daring styles, and Mei Mei will be getting the Chloe bondage style heels in April - are a lot like hats.
You'll stand back, you'll admire their beauty, their architectural lines and how cleverly they've been made. You'll think that these shoes deserve a special pedestal somewhere rather than the indignity of your darkened closet. But then you'll wonder where to wear them, when and with what. Will your outfit be dictated by what's on your feet? Probably.
You'll also ponder the weather, the state of the pavement, the cost of a taxi, or maybe someone to carry you to the nearest chair, and the physics of actually moving about in these shoes. Will you have to leave early, if it threatens to rain and ruin your shoes? Will someone need to piggyback you over the puddles? Probably.
But shortly after that, you'll remember the story of Cinderella and you might even hand over your credit card, thinking that if you buy the glass slipper, with any luck your fairy godmother will take care of the cab and the cocktail party. Oh, and a tall, dark handsome stranger to catch you just as you're about to trip over the beautiful-but-mildly-dangerous, fabric flower dangling from your ankle.
How to do a statement shoe
* Your statement shoes may very well dictate your clothing. After all, they have been designed to draw attention. Simple silhouettes go well with any statement shoe - everything from jeans and a T-shirt to a black designer dress are easy options.
* If you want to be bolder with your look, then consider colours that complement your statement shoe.
* It may also be worth considering genres that complement your statement shoe. Some statement shoes are romantic, featuring tulle, flowers and feathers. Others have a harder edge, and suit an artier or deconstructed style of clothing.
* Not all statement shoes need to be over the top and unwearable. You can start with something as simple as a bright orange court shoe. Or a more pedestrian, or street style, statement, something like a sports shoe in neon colours.
* If you like the trend but don't want to partake completely, simply go for a chunkier shoe. Wedges, thick platforms, something a little ugly - anything furthest removed from a dainty kitten heel - gives a similar feel without being too freaky.
* If you're feeling creative, customise an old shoe you no longer wear very much, or maybe shoes you got second-hand. Attach your own ribbons, flowers or sparkles. Splatter a little bright paint about or get shoes dyed professionally.
