Hastings Women's Refuge: 'The ones that catch my breath are when death is imminent'

Megan Thomassen-Clarke, operations manager Hastings Women's Refuge, at a second safe house. Photo / Warren Buckland

On average a woman will put up with 22 domestic violence incidents before they report it to police.

And it takes an average of seven attempts for a woman to permanently leave an abusive relationship.

Hastings Women's Refuge operations manager Megan Thomassen-Clarke knows these statistics well.

She also knows that year on year, the refuge has seen an increase in the number of clients using its services.

And around Christmas time, and in the first three months of the new year, those average numbers spike.

"Christmas times can be quite difficult for families who have very little," she said.

"I would anticipate that by the end of this year the number of domestic violence incidents would spike. January, February and March are the busiest times of the year for us."

The figures prove it, with 63 clients in January 1 to March 31, 2018 and 65 clients in 2019 for the same period.

The period from December 1 to December 31, 2018 the refuge helped 13 clients. This year for December 1 to December 2019, the refuge has already helped 15 clients.

It's timely that the refuge is furnishing a second safe house for women escaping an abusive relationship.

The Hastings and Napier Masonic Lodges raised $8700 for the furnishings.

A spokesperson for the charity said the Freemasons were passionate about the difference the refuge made and wanted to contribute to supporting the women and children "whose lives are turned around by the support they receive from our local Women's Refuge team".

This year the refuge's domestic violence statistics from July 1 to December 17, 2019 are higher than the same time last year and the year before.

Clients of the Hastings Women's Refuge often come with very little. Operations manager Megan Thomassen-Clarke sits in a semi-furnished second safe house. Photo / Warren Buckland.

For the same period in 2017, there were 70 families who used the refuge's services.

In 2018 that number was 82 families, and this year there have already been 96 families who have stayed at Women's Refuge.

"It goes up year on year. It's partly down to more awareness, partly down to more reporting of domestic violence, but we will never really know how many domestic violence incidents occur day to day."

The second safe house which is in the process of being furnished is currently unoccupied, but Thomassen-Clarke knows that won't last.

"At the time when Hastings Women's Refuge and Napier Women's Refuge merged as one trust, we moved the admin staff [past occupants of the second safe house space] to an office space and decided to use it as a safe house.

"The bathroom needs to be put back in, the carpets need to be cleaned but I have absolutely no doubt it [ second safe house] will be used very quickly," she said.

It's not cynicism, it's a fact.

"There's been an increase in the need for our services."

The Hastings Women's Refuge has been in existence 40 years, but domestic violence has been around a lot longer, she said.

"It's a dream that we reach a point where we no longer exist, but it's not going to happen in our lifetime."

Domestic violence comes in all shapes and sizes, and it doesn't discriminate, but the incidents that have left a lasting impact on Thomassen-Clarke are the ones where the victims tell stories of escaping death by mere seconds or centimetres.

"The ones that catch my breath are when death is imminent.

"There are incidents where women have been choked, strangled, and have passed out and they didn't know whether they would wake up.

"Women have had ropes hung around their necks, it's not unusual for that to happen.

"A few seconds longer and they would die."

Sadly most of the perpetrators are men, she said, but she recognises that relationships are ever-evolving and complicated.

"Sometimes the women come to us, then they go back to an abusive relationship, then come back to us", a vicious cycle that's repeated until it's broken.

"On average it takes seven attempts for a woman to permanently leave an abusive relationship."

The abuse can be a combination of physical, sexual, emotional and financial and the effects can last "a very long time", she said.

Hastings Women's Refuge operations manager Megan Thomassen-Clarke says domestic violence is not okay in any circumstance. Photo / Warren Buckland

"These women are told what they can eat, what they can wear, what time to get up, what they can buy.

"On average women will put up with 22 violent incidents before they report it to police."

Anyone who spoke up about it was "brave" because the act of speaking up brought into play a host of questions, with the biggest being "why didn't she just leave", Thomassen-Clarke said.

And the answer, like in the case of the late Shortland Street actor Pua Magasiva's widow Lizz, is complicated.

"Quite often they just want the violence to stop, and not necessarily the good part of the relationship to end.

"These women are so used to being controlled, they have financial constraints, and in the case of Pua's widow there are children to think about."

Lizz confessed that she was forced to stay silent about her abuse to protect Pua's acting career and reputation, which on its own was a form of abuse, Thomassen-Clarke said.

"It was a shame she was silenced by his name suppression, silenced about what she was going through."

She said abused women were constantly being told they were worth nothing and didn't have anyone to turn to for support.

"There are a number of other reasons why women don't leave, it's very difficult to end a relationship. The unknown is a very scary place."

Thomassen-Clarke said the organisation was "extremely keen" about women making their own decisions when it came to leaving an abusive relationship.

"We would give them all the necessary tools, and safety plans, but we cannot decide for them.

"Any form of violence is not okay. If you are in a situation where you are a victim or know a victim give us a call.

"Or if you want to discuss a safety plan, give us a ring. It is not okay."

Domestic violence: Do you need help?

If you find yourself in immediate danger:

• Phone for police on 111 or ask neighbours of friends to ring for you.
• Run outside to where there are other people.
• Scream for help so that your neighbours can hear you.
• Take the children with you.
• Don't stop to get anything else.
• If you are being abused, remember it's not your fault. Violence is never okay.

Where to go for help or more information

• Shine, free national helpline 9am-11pm every day - 0508 744 633; www.2shine.org.nz
• Women's Refuge: Free national crisis line operates 24/7 - 0800 refuge or 0800 733 843; www.womensrefuge.org.nz
• Shakti: Providing specialist cultural services for African, Asian and Middle Eastern women and their children. Crisis line 24/7 0800 742 584
• It's Not Ok: Information line 0800 456 450; www.areyouok.org.nz

Where to get mental health help

• Lifeline: 0800 543 354 (available 24/7)
• Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO) (available 24/7)
• Youth services: (06) 3555 906
• Youthline: 0800 376 633
• Kidsline: 0800 543 754 (available 24/7)
• Whatsup: 0800 942 8787 (1pm to 11pm)
• The Word
• Depression helpline: 0800 111 757 (available 24/7)
• Rainbow Youth: (09) 376 4155
• CASPER Suicide Prevention
If it is an emergency and you feel like you or someone else is at risk, call 111.